Intimacy and obedience

Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." ~ John 14:23

"Many Christians seem to think that the secret to intimacy with God is to constantly seek out emotionally charged encounters with God's presence. They believe that such encounters, if repeated often enough, can draw them into a place of consistent communion with Jesus through the Holy Spirit.

"Nothing could be farther from the truth. The manifestation of God's presence is wonderful, and when He reveals His presence to you, do not hesitate to embrace the experience. But He does not reveal Himself for no reason. Do not confuse these experiences with true intimacy. Intimacy with God comes only one way, and that is through obedience.

"Do you want to know God as He truly is? Then obey the Word. Obey the Word in the morning when you feel grumpy. Obey the Word at noon when you are hungry, and in the evening when you are tired. Commit yourself to obey Him regardless of how you feel, what you think, or what you want. When you do this, you will discover that you will not have to go searching for God's presence anymore. The Father will seek you out and reveal His love to you. God reveals His presence to anyone He chooses. But He only makes His home with those who obey Him."

~ Michael Warden, Alone with God

Lord, I still don't want to be on this trip. I want to be home and cozy in bed, with a week ahead of me to use to work and get caught up and not constantly feel as though I'm chasing time.

But I can see that even here You have so much to teach me. Lord, humble me and curb my tongue!

Encouragement

At the Sunday school fellowship last night, Pastor told me how his daughter had shared with him how much she was enjoying the Bible study and how it was exactly what she needed. I am honestly humbled and overwhelmed by the response it has gotten. Praise the Lord! I'm so grateful for His work in my life that supplied the burden and enabled me to be submissive to His purpose in it. And I'm grateful too for Pastor's thoughtfulness in passing on the encouragement to me.

Wretchedness

I am such a fallen, wretched creature. I constantly fail to turn to my Father for the strength to be faithful and to overcome temptation. Sometimes I think I fall just to remind myself what I am before God Almighty. Lord, forgive my laziness, my lack of discipline and diligence, my self-absorption that destroys any hint of humility You intend to teach me. Cleanse me of the wickedness that so easily takes root in my heart. I long to please You with my life and actions! I want to be faithful, to be a picture of Your mercy and grace to those around me. I desire to be used, and usable! How can You use someone so weak and sinful as I? I fail You so often, though I hate it! How I wish I could banish evil desires from my heart! Oh my Lord, once again I fall at Your feet, beast that I am, and beg You to make me worthy of the grace, mercy, and love You continually bestow. I am surrounded by evidence of Your infinite love for me in spite of myself. How amazing that You could care for me. Cause me to lose myself in You. Oh Lord, make me nothing, empty of self and completely filled with You.

A day

Today was ... a day. I'm not quite sure how to characterize it. Choir practice was ... okay. Once in a while I go through a phase where I just don't feel like singing, especially alto. At least the problem I was dealing with a few weeks ago seems to have subsided. The evening service was great, of course, but afterwards we practiced the ladies' ensemble, and my heart just wasn't in it. My joy in singing seems to have just drained out of me for now. Ironically, I seem to be obsessively playing the piano. Every time I have a chance I sit down and bang around for a while.

I can hear the rain falling outside the window and the distant sounds of wet traffic. The house is quiet, and I have drawn up inside myself nursing self-centered hurts and desires. Even surrounded by all the evidence of my Savior's loving care, I still want what I don't have. I am so very blessed. Why am I sad?

New place

Why is it so hard to do the things I should do? One, no doubt my sin nature. Two, focusing on pleasing myself instead of pleasing my Savior. Those two points do a lot to cover it, I think. I need to learn to rely on the Lord for the will to do what pleases Him. It is my love for Christ that should inform my behavior and motivate me to diligence and faithfulness.

I am really finding myself in a new place over the past several months. I've been such a solitary person so far in my life. Until recently, that is. People have begun to actually talk to me, real conversations about life and issues and burdens and blessings. I honestly don't know what to do with it all or why it has seemed to come out of the blue. Has it been my determination to reach out more and be a blessing and encouragement that has borne fruit in others, or made me appear to be someone in whom they can confide? Is the Lord responding to my hunger for Him by drawing me closer to His children? It's all so complex and confounding, and sometimes I wonder if I don't make it more so with my constant mulling and musing over it. Faith as a little child, but grow in grace and in the knowledge of Christ. How do they mesh? How do they blend? I want to learn, to know, to grow! How do I reconcile striving forward with the joyful abandon and simplicity of childlike faith?

Praise and humility

Last Sunday I played the piano for offertory, a hymn that I had arranged myself. Nothing fancy or profound, but something I did put a lot of my heart into. Now I don't know how I feel about it. I'm grateful and humbled at the number of people who've complimented it. But I'm frustrated at how few times I was able to respond by giving God the glory. It's so much easier to say "thank you," a little harder to say "I'm glad you enjoyed it." It seems nigh impossible to say "praise the Lord"! Why? Part of it comes back to pride -- wanting the praise for myself, yes, but also worrying that people will think the response is trite or affected. Lord, teach me to praise and glorify You in humility, in such a way that puts the attention off myself and on You. Still, I am glad I was able ... no, enabled ... to do an offertory that was a blessing to so many. Being used, even in such a small way, is a joy and blessing I cannot fully express. I just wish my horrid pride would stay out of it! I need to learn to be open and honest and to leave how that open honesty is perceived by others in the Lord's hands. Lord, keep my motivations for service completely about loving You, wanting to be obedient and faithful, loving my church family, and wanting to be used by You to be an encouragement and a blessing to them. Let others see Christ in me.

Disjointed

It feels like so long since I've had the time to make a journal entry, even though it's only been a few days. I'm feeling rather disconnected and disjointed; once again my devotions have been suffering. The Lord is going to have to do a work in tonight's Bible study, because I feel woefully unprepared. I need to get a jump on it this week before last-minute scrambling becomes a habit. Lord, I need You to take hold of me and drag me back into Your will and purpose. I need to remember to be diligent and faithful, and to depend wholly on You for the strength to do so.

Later...

Now it is evening, and Bible study is over. The Lord is SO gracious. In spite of my shorter prep, He was pleased to give us a real time of fellowship, learning, and encouragement. I bow in humble amazement at His goodness to me. I am exhausted, and yet so hungry for some quality prayer and study time. I have been so neglectful of my Savior lately. I simply must push other things aside and make Him a time priority once more. Lord, break me. Place me at Your feet where I belong. Please give me a hunger for Your Word and Your wisdom that supercedes all other concerns or interests.

Pushing and prodding

The Lord seems to be continually pushing and prodding me. Bible study last night was overwhelming. The lesson was on prayer and ran a little longer than usual. But then, one of the girls stayed afterward just talking and sharing. It was at least 12:30 by the time she left. I was SO tired, but I just couldn't ask her to leave! She is going through SO MUCH heartache and has SO MUCH to bear! Her issues make my own seem so tiny in comparison. I have been richly, abundantly blessed in my life. My gratitude to the Lord knows no limit after last night's conversation.

But today, I am exhausted, not to mention a little overwhelmed and a lot humbled. All at once the Lord seems to be sending me opportunities to share with people, and for them to share with me. What am I that they feel comfortable opening up so much of their hearts to me? It is obviously something the Lord is doing, something He is trying to teach me. Oh Lord, help me to be a vessel You can use.

The Lord is so good to me, truly. I don't deserve such grace, such mercy, such overwhelming love. I am blessed in such a multitude of ways. What might have been a difficult conversation tonight went without a hint of tension. Praise the Lord for His grace to me.

My heart is so full tonight of such a mixture of emotion -- joy, sorrow, hope, weariness, humility, anguish... So many needs, so many hurts! I talked to my coworker this morning about how lately it seems people want to confide in me. He said it's because I'm non-threatening; I don't have a lot of the baggage of family, spouse, kids, that others seem to. I find that idea baffling. Why, when I lack so many of the experiences that they have had to go through, would people see me as a sympathetic confidant? I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming.

Tonight's question was not one of mine, but it was one the answer to which gives me enormous comfort. "Why do Christians have to suffer?" It all comes down to trust in the goodness of God. God is good because He says He is good. He is sovreign. He defines the terms. It's about trusting His statements as truth, even though our understanding of that truth is warped and incomplete because of our fallen, finite nature. How I wish I could explain it adequately and help others to understand it and receive comfort in it. God says our trials are for our ultimate good, and He assures us of His love in spite of how our circumstances make us feel here and now. If we could only get a glimpse of how truly brief our struggles are here in the light of eternity, and cling to the infinite grace that is ours in Christ, those struggles would indeed become a source of joy in that they drive us to cling to His heart.

Being an Israelite

Some days I am such an Israelite -- moaning and crying for what everyone else has instead of rejoicing in the riches God intends to give me because I am His child. Why is it so hard to rest in His loving plan?! Oh Lord, even in this You intend my good. It is all to mold and shape me into Your image. Give me the courage and strength to fight this longing for the thing You have not ordained to be. Enable me to enjoy the journey, to rejoice in the pain, to praise Your name in all things. All that matters is You.

Material for sacrifice

I need to spend some serious time in prayer. How do people with families manage? It's the one consolation of singleness I never seem to get away from: I have more time to spend with God.

But today is Father's Day, and therefore a day of struggling to get past the ache and the longing to find joy in my Savior and His plans for me. The pain of having no husband to give me children must be something I am willing to give completely to God. "As Elisabeth Elliot reminds us, those unfulfilled longings can become 'material for sacrifice' -- they give us something to offer up to the One who gave up everything for us." ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Singled Out for Him.