It's late now, but I so want to get down the rest of my day. Work was bad, and I'm sure my emotional state didn't help matters any. I tried 2 or 3 times to call Pastor, but there was no answer at church. The last time I gave up and decided I was meant to handle tonight completely on my own, depending solely on the Lord. But still, I couldn't help feeling a little hurt that Pastor hadn't responded, even though I was sure there was a good reason. Between my frustration with work and the stress of two days of unfulfilled anticipation, I was an emotional wreck by the time I got home. I allotted myself 30 minutes to lie down because I knew I had stuff I needed to do before the study, but I was so strung out that I needed to rest and calm down a bit.
Then, about 5 minutes before my time was up, the phone rang. It was one of the girls, and she couldn't come because her husband had to work. No problem, though of course I'm always sad when someone can't come.
About 6:00 the phone rang again, and this time it was Pastor. His email to me had gone astray this morning, and he'd been out of town all day with his son car shopping, so he hadn't realized it until just then. He apologized all over himself; I was so relieved and grateful to know why he hadn't answered me that the answer itself almost didn't matter anymore. But it did, and when I read it, it really did help to put Hannah's prayer in a little clearer perspective for me. Frankly, a lot of it got better last night too. It's funny how in some ways my journey to understand her prayer mirrored her journey to making the prayer. God had to put both of us in the position of relying completely on Him and having nowhere else to turn before granting our requests.
After all that, I only had one person come to study tonight. But that was okay, and even good, because it gave us a chance to really share one-on-one. She seemed to genuinely enjoy being here and didn't seem awkward or uncomfortable about being the only one. The Lord is so gracious to me. I cannot comprehend such love that is willing to work so intricately in my life in order to sanctify me. I am so unworthy of such great love. Lord, You truly are my rock, my fortress, my strength, my song, my deliverer, my friend, my Father, my comforter.
I get so wound up over these things. I think it's because there's so little else in my life to invest myself in emotionally. I'm torn over whether to call Pastor or not. I DO need to talk to him about something else, but that doesn't have to necessarily happen today. He obviously didn't realize that it was today's study I was struggling with. At least I seem to have found some semblance of purpose, even if I'm still confused by the whole mess.
And if that weren't enough to make me nervous, I'm thinking of asking to start playing piano on Wednesdays. I don't really think I'm good enough, but the only way I know to overcome the obstacle of correcting my mistakes is to actually accompany an audience. I just hate the prospect of falling apart in the middle while everyone stares and sings on without me. But our pianist needs help, and I'm willing to at least try to be that help. I just wish I were better at it.
And if that weren't enough to make me nervous, I'm thinking of asking to start playing piano on Wednesdays. I don't really think I'm good enough, but the only way I know to overcome the obstacle of correcting my mistakes is to actually accompany an audience. I just hate the prospect of falling apart in the middle while everyone stares and sings on without me. But our pianist needs help, and I'm willing to at least try to be that help. I just wish I were better at it.
It's evening, and now I'm really nervous about the study tomorrow. I haven't heard from Pastor at all today. I guess it's my own fault for not being further ahead with it, so that I could have asked him sooner. It's been such an overwhelming summer for their family. And I shouldn't rely on him so much anyway. Lord, I don't know what to do with the lesson tomorrow. Maybe You want me to do the lesson with confusion and frustration. Maybe I need to be vulnerable before these young women, to be bare-faced and open about how this story confounds me. Lord, I guess I should have prayed more and pondered more. Please, Lord, do not let this study fall apart because of my inadequacy. Forgive me for not being more diligent, for not spending more time in the Word and in prayer. Lord, empty me of my notions on the account and give me Your leading on what it means for me today. If there's a dimension I'm missing, please reveal it to me. I am so lost and confused. I don't want to teach this lesson in any wrong or negative way. I don't want to fail these girls -- or You. Please, Lord, work in my heart. Grant me wisdom and discernment. I can do nothing apart from Your grace and mercy. I am so feeble, yet so prideful. But there is nothing good in me. Almighty God, You are my strength; You have promised to strengthen, help, and uphold me with Your righteousness. Your promises are steadfast; they cannot fail. "Do good to your servant, O LORD, according to Your word." Oh Lord, help me!
Last night I told Pastor I had a Hannah question I wanted to ask him, so he told me to email it to him so he could take the time to give me a thorough answer. I kind of feel guilty bothering him with it. They're taking their son to college at the end of this week, and I know they're really busy. But hey, maybe he'll enjoy the chance to study something other than Ephesians, Acts, or Revelation. Anyway, now I wait with bated breath, hoping he won't think I'm awful for my questions. But he's a questioner himself, which is why I think I find it so easy to ask him things.
I'm worried about a friend of mine who wasn't in church last Sunday. It's hard to believe sometimes just how much heartache hides in some people's daily lives. As a Christian family, we are far too uninvolved with each other, I think. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to reach out and be available to each other. We're all these polite strangers with no concept of the pain and struggles each one is going through. I whine about lack of fellowship, but whom have I reached a hand to? We're all waiting for someone else to make the selfless gesture, to be the one who encourages us.
I'm worried about a friend of mine who wasn't in church last Sunday. It's hard to believe sometimes just how much heartache hides in some people's daily lives. As a Christian family, we are far too uninvolved with each other, I think. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to reach out and be available to each other. We're all these polite strangers with no concept of the pain and struggles each one is going through. I whine about lack of fellowship, but whom have I reached a hand to? We're all waiting for someone else to make the selfless gesture, to be the one who encourages us.
It's a rainy Sunday afternoon. It's perfect nap weather, but I'm not really sleepy. I've been playing piano, but the light is fading, and I don't want to bother with a lamp.
What a good, steady rain. I'm sure all the farmers are rejoicing. It's been nice to have a summer with plenty of rainfall for a change. A little inconvenient on a Sunday, but I guess we're spoiled. At least we have good shelter, and cars and umbrellas. It's so amazing how nature all works together in its cycles. How can anyone look at the world around us and believe it all just "happened"? The idea is so logically preposterous. Lord, Your ways are so perfect. I'm overwhelmed with awe of You. You made such a magnificent world for us to inhabit and enjoy. Forgive me for how often I take it for granted. Thank You for the reminder of Your power in the thunder and lightning, and of Your care and provision in the rain. Thank You for the blessing of sight, that I can sit at my window and watch the water overrun my gutters and pour down the street, that I can admire the spring green grass, the deeper green trees, and the smoky gray sky. Thank You for my hearing, that I can hear the puddles growing in the flower bed, the steady drum of rain on the tin chimney cover, the deeper thrum on the roof, the swish of wet traffic. Thank You for the rich, damp smell and feel that is the land's rejoicing in its refreshment. There are such bountiful gifts in Your creation. My words pale in comparison to the wonders with which You surround me each day. Never let me lose my appreciation of and joy in the simple things that fill my day with Your blessing.
What a good, steady rain. I'm sure all the farmers are rejoicing. It's been nice to have a summer with plenty of rainfall for a change. A little inconvenient on a Sunday, but I guess we're spoiled. At least we have good shelter, and cars and umbrellas. It's so amazing how nature all works together in its cycles. How can anyone look at the world around us and believe it all just "happened"? The idea is so logically preposterous. Lord, Your ways are so perfect. I'm overwhelmed with awe of You. You made such a magnificent world for us to inhabit and enjoy. Forgive me for how often I take it for granted. Thank You for the reminder of Your power in the thunder and lightning, and of Your care and provision in the rain. Thank You for the blessing of sight, that I can sit at my window and watch the water overrun my gutters and pour down the street, that I can admire the spring green grass, the deeper green trees, and the smoky gray sky. Thank You for my hearing, that I can hear the puddles growing in the flower bed, the steady drum of rain on the tin chimney cover, the deeper thrum on the roof, the swish of wet traffic. Thank You for the rich, damp smell and feel that is the land's rejoicing in its refreshment. There are such bountiful gifts in Your creation. My words pale in comparison to the wonders with which You surround me each day. Never let me lose my appreciation of and joy in the simple things that fill my day with Your blessing.
Oh, how I love Saturdays. I love the freedom to do the things I need to do, that I feel are important -- not the boss or the job. I'm doing laundry, I've practiced the piano, and now I'm having some devotions time. What a joy! I feel like I've wasted so much time over the last couple weeks; I need some quiet time with my Savior. It's been hard the last several nights becuase my back & leg have been hurting. Being able to do my devotions earlier today is helping, I think.
Okay, I'm digging through the first Hannah lesson now, and I'm stuck on her prayer. Am I supposed to take her "if/then" approach as a pattern for how I should bring my desires before God? "If You give me this, then I will do that with it for Your glory"? Is this a special case, or an example for me to follow? To me it smacks of foxhole prayer, of bargaining with God, trying to get Him to give me what I want. But I don't necessarily see where making a promise to God is unscriptural; vowing a vow to God is treated as a serious thing. But a conditional vow? He makes conditional promises; is that something we ought to do with Him? *sigh* I'm dying to ask Pastor for some insights, but I don't know if I should. I think I'll wait and see if an opportunity presents itself tomorrow at church and just mull over the question myself in the meantime.
What a nice day it has been. Aside from a lapse into TV late this afternoon (why DO I do that?), I've gotten a lot done and had a lovely alone day. I wouldn't have minded some fellowship, but alone was okay too, I guess. No, I KNOW it was good. It gave me real time to spend studying God's Word, not to mention practicing the piano and doing housework. And tomorrow is Sunday - my favorite! Which means, now that the last load of laundry is done, I should go to bed so I can get up on time in the morning!
Okay, I'm digging through the first Hannah lesson now, and I'm stuck on her prayer. Am I supposed to take her "if/then" approach as a pattern for how I should bring my desires before God? "If You give me this, then I will do that with it for Your glory"? Is this a special case, or an example for me to follow? To me it smacks of foxhole prayer, of bargaining with God, trying to get Him to give me what I want. But I don't necessarily see where making a promise to God is unscriptural; vowing a vow to God is treated as a serious thing. But a conditional vow? He makes conditional promises; is that something we ought to do with Him? *sigh* I'm dying to ask Pastor for some insights, but I don't know if I should. I think I'll wait and see if an opportunity presents itself tomorrow at church and just mull over the question myself in the meantime.
What a nice day it has been. Aside from a lapse into TV late this afternoon (why DO I do that?), I've gotten a lot done and had a lovely alone day. I wouldn't have minded some fellowship, but alone was okay too, I guess. No, I KNOW it was good. It gave me real time to spend studying God's Word, not to mention practicing the piano and doing housework. And tomorrow is Sunday - my favorite! Which means, now that the last load of laundry is done, I should go to bed so I can get up on time in the morning!
Lord, please keep me joyful. There are so many reasons for me to rejoice; keep those things uppermost in my heart and mind. Thank You that I can always rejoice in You, because You never change. Your grace is sufficient for my every need. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Help me to acknowledge my weaknesses and to surrender them to You to perfect. You are my refuge and my strength; I put my trust in You and You alone. Break me. Humble me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes for my life. Content me in circumstances that drive me crazy and threaten to mar my testimony. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees.
Lord, please change my attitude. It is so hard for me to be consistently joyful in the face of frustrating circumstances. I need to be more diligent, more compassionate and understanding. I shouldn't respond with such a bitter spirit when someone brings up their loved one's engagement ... again. Lord, You truly are all I need, but I confess, I want a companion. Teach me to be content with what You've given me and not to dwell on the aches when they come. Hide and shelter me under Your wings. Oh Lord, help me to truly rejoice in You, always, even when I'm lonely and frustrated.
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides You." Oh, make this a truth in my life!
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides You." Oh, make this a truth in my life!
Tonight I am weary and heart-sore. I am longing for the comfort of physical contact - read, I need a hug. I feel guilty for being sad when others around me have problems and burdens so much more profound than my own. But I am just aching for a good cry. The last four lessons in the Bible study are about Hannah, and I have no idea what to do with them. Lord, help!
Lunchtime at work, and I'm in my car enjoying the slightly-warm sun and the slightly-cool breeze. I have been so neglectful of my devotions and prayer life lately. It is so easy to get caught up once more in sci-fi and internet fandoms, not to mention turning on the TV and letting a DVD run all evening. Lord, break my heart over my preoccupation with vanity. Help me to use my time more wisely in ways that have eternal value. I know that when I behave this way my resistance to temptation is weakened. My flesh only wins when I allow it to by not turning to my Savior for refuge and support.
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