I've done pretty well for a Monday, but I still need a serious attitude adjustment. Why is it so hard to be joyful here? Why can I not seem to keep my emotions in check and just be faithful anyway? Why can't I rejoice as much in the week's service as I do in the weekend's worship?! :-(
There is also failure and confession. It has been a bad, bad day, and I wish I could just start over. I hate having to ask forgiveness for the same failures over and over. But that is pride, the thought that surely I must be beyond this failing by now. But no. I am fallen and sinful, and I fail when I take my focus off my Savior and try to depend on my own strength. Romans 7 and 8 are so rich, and it is so comforting to know that even Paul struggled with sin in his life.
Lord, I am so sorry. I fell again. Please cleanse my heart and renew it for fellowship with and joy in You once more. Break me and humble me; make me hate the sin of my heart that is so abhorrent to You.
Oh Father, I am so lonely. If it weren't for You, I would be a complete and utter wreck. How I long for a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be accountable to. I want someone who would encourage me, and for whom I could provide unconditional love, support, and encouragement!
But Lord, I want Your will and plan for me more than I want a husband. I want to be faithful and useful in Your service. And Lord, if that means I never have an earthly love, help me to mean it when I say that's okay. My heart may ache, but You are the ultimate Healer of hearts. Enable me to rest content in Your love alone. Wrap Your arms around me and remind me of that love when I get so desperately lonely.
Lord, I am so sorry. I fell again. Please cleanse my heart and renew it for fellowship with and joy in You once more. Break me and humble me; make me hate the sin of my heart that is so abhorrent to You.
Oh Father, I am so lonely. If it weren't for You, I would be a complete and utter wreck. How I long for a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be accountable to. I want someone who would encourage me, and for whom I could provide unconditional love, support, and encouragement!
But Lord, I want Your will and plan for me more than I want a husband. I want to be faithful and useful in Your service. And Lord, if that means I never have an earthly love, help me to mean it when I say that's okay. My heart may ache, but You are the ultimate Healer of hearts. Enable me to rest content in Your love alone. Wrap Your arms around me and remind me of that love when I get so desperately lonely.
My coworker and I had a good talk this morning about his challenge last night at prayer meeting. People are so bad about not thinking about what they are thinking about. It sounds funny when you put it that way, but it's really true, especially among Christians. It's one of the reasons I think people are afraid to witness - because they haven't truly reasoned out and thought through why they believe what they do, they're afraid they won't have the right answers for someone who has thought out their own world view. Christians want to stay spiritual babies because at that level, the formula is simple: sin, repent, confess, be forgiven, repeat.
But actual progress toward sanctification takes work. It's more than being faithful in church and trying not to be naughty the rest of the week! It's about allowing God's Word and the work of the Holy Spirit to completely rule every part of your life and to transform you bit by bit into the image of Christ. It means continually re-evaluating your attitudes and actions in light of Scripture. It means constantly carving away the parts of you that the Holy Spirit brings to your attention that displease the Savior because they are selfish, or carnal, or taking part of your time, energy, or talents that He wants for Himself. There is SO MUCH MORE than showing up for sermons, reading your daily chapter, and saying your prayers!
But actual progress toward sanctification takes work. It's more than being faithful in church and trying not to be naughty the rest of the week! It's about allowing God's Word and the work of the Holy Spirit to completely rule every part of your life and to transform you bit by bit into the image of Christ. It means continually re-evaluating your attitudes and actions in light of Scripture. It means constantly carving away the parts of you that the Holy Spirit brings to your attention that displease the Savior because they are selfish, or carnal, or taking part of your time, energy, or talents that He wants for Himself. There is SO MUCH MORE than showing up for sermons, reading your daily chapter, and saying your prayers!
Everything I can think of to write sounds like whining in my head. When I have so many reasons to rejoice and be thankful, whining in my journal strikes me as unacceptable behavior. Yes, I am sick of my job. And yes, I am incredibly lonely these days. But my Father has blessed me so abundantly by granting me areas of service, like leading the Young Ladies’ Bible Study, or playing the piano on Wednesdays, or singing in the choir… There are just so many opportunities to give back to my Lord that surround me daily. And I can perform these tasks with joy in my God, because He is steadfast and sure. He never changes, and therefore all His promises, which are based upon His unchanging character, are trustworthy and available for me to cling to.
Lord, You know how I yearn for a husband. Give me grace to be content for Your timing, even if that timing is “never.” I can have no greater joy anywhere that is not Your will for me. You know how discouraged I am by my job, and how my own lack of diligence bothers me, because I know it doesn’t please You. Teach me how to keep You in the forefront of my thoughts and intentions all day long. Motivate me to please You in my performance, my words, my attitudes, my priorities. Break my heart when I waste the time You’ve given me to use for You. Enable me to surrender my compulsion to please myself completely to Your control.
Lord, You know how I yearn for a husband. Give me grace to be content for Your timing, even if that timing is “never.” I can have no greater joy anywhere that is not Your will for me. You know how discouraged I am by my job, and how my own lack of diligence bothers me, because I know it doesn’t please You. Teach me how to keep You in the forefront of my thoughts and intentions all day long. Motivate me to please You in my performance, my words, my attitudes, my priorities. Break my heart when I waste the time You’ve given me to use for You. Enable me to surrender my compulsion to please myself completely to Your control.
This morning I was wide awake at 5:30, and I just lay there until I went back to sleep. I wish I had pushed myself out of bed then, because I was late to work … again. I should take advantage of those times when I actually wake up early and coherent. I could get the day started more cheerfully.
Today was a relatively un-stressful day, but I still fail so miserably in diligence and in faithfulness. Lord, what will it take to motivate me to get out of bed and to work on time? I am being sinful and contemptuous of Your sacrifice for me every time I roll over and hit the snooze button instead of getting up when I should. Lord, break my heart over this fleshly failing of mine. Give me Your grace and strength to begin each day joyful and grateful for another day of fellowship with and service to You. And enable me to be diligent to use my time wisely. I could accomplish so much more if I didn’t waste so much time. “Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through Your law.” “Oh, that my ways were steadfast in keeping Your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all Your commands.” Help me to rejoice in following Your statutes and to meditate on Your law all day long!
“If to the right or left I stray,
That moment, Lord, reprove;
And let me weep my life away,
For having grieved thy love.”
~CHS
“If to the right or left I stray,
That moment, Lord, reprove;
And let me weep my life away,
For having grieved thy love.”
~CHS
“Cheerful holiness is the most forcible of sermons, but the Lord must give it you. … When it is the Lord’s work in which we rejoice, we need not be afraid of being too glad.” ~CHS
Today has been a little bit better. Sometimes I think it takes circumstances that push you to the brink in order to kind of “reset” your stress levels and put things back in perspective for a while. After having my little cry last night, I feel more able to face things with some measure of sanity.
I went to church after work to practice on the piano there, because I knew I wouldn’t be in anyone’s way tonight. Pastor & his wife left early this morning to take their son to college this weekend, so everything was deserted. That piano is so hard to play! It takes a lot of muscle to work the keys, which makes my barely-adequate skills that much worse. I hope I’ve done the right thing, starting now. I hope it’s not too soon, but I’ve got to start sometime. With one pianist moved away and our other pianist starting up teaching school again, it just seemed natural that now is the time. It’s going to be hard and slow, though. How grateful I am for a church family I can trust to be supportive. I don’t have to worry about anyone talking me down behind my back. That’s an enormous comfort when starting something like this, especially when I have so far yet to go.
I went to church after work to practice on the piano there, because I knew I wouldn’t be in anyone’s way tonight. Pastor & his wife left early this morning to take their son to college this weekend, so everything was deserted. That piano is so hard to play! It takes a lot of muscle to work the keys, which makes my barely-adequate skills that much worse. I hope I’ve done the right thing, starting now. I hope it’s not too soon, but I’ve got to start sometime. With one pianist moved away and our other pianist starting up teaching school again, it just seemed natural that now is the time. It’s going to be hard and slow, though. How grateful I am for a church family I can trust to be supportive. I don’t have to worry about anyone talking me down behind my back. That’s an enormous comfort when starting something like this, especially when I have so far yet to go.
I'm beginning to notice something about myself and how I react to my situation. I do a lot better dealing with discouragement or loneliness when no one else notices or tries to lift my spirits or encourage me. The Lord really is sufficient to my every need, and when others, well-meaning as they may be, try to “make me feel better,” often that just seems to draw my attention back to the hurt and make me dwell on it more as I think about what they said. Not that I don’t appreciate the concern, especially from someone like the elderly ladies at church, who are so dear and can be so loving and kind to me. But I do much better when I focus on Christ instead of on myself. It’s easier to dispel the discouragement when others don’t point out all the reason to be discouraged that you would have no trouble finding on your own. “I know you must get so lonely.” “Well, only once in a while, but thanks so much for reminding me.” ;-)
And speaking of lonely, it’s one of those achy days when I just want someone to talk to – someone intelligent and caring. And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way, for not being content with what God has given me. It’s not as though I’m ungrateful. That’s not it at all. There are just times when the silence seems so loud and overwhelming that it’s painful.
“Remember, it’s always all right to be honest with God and admit your longings. It’s even all right to tell Him how you intend to honor Him if He gives it. But you must also tell Him you love Him and will serve Him even if He sees fit to withhold this blessing. That’s the hard part.” ~PWD, in an email to me on Hannah
I admit it. There are times when I feel empty and completely left out of God’s program for family. Even though I really do ultimately want His will and what’s best for me … oh, how I long for a husband to share the burdens and joys of the Christian walk with. How I wish for the opportunity to have children to raise to love Christ as much as I do. I know there are all sorts of ways God can and does use me just the way I am. And I certainly don’t want to live in the land of self-pity, because there is nothing useful or Christ-honoring there.
Lord, take this longing of my heart and transform it into love and desire for You and Your Word. Give me grace to overcome when the sorrow and weight threaten to overwhelm me. You have promised never to leave or forsake me. You have promised to strengthen and uphold me, to be my Comforter. Fill my heart so completely with You that there is no room for anything more.
And speaking of lonely, it’s one of those achy days when I just want someone to talk to – someone intelligent and caring. And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way, for not being content with what God has given me. It’s not as though I’m ungrateful. That’s not it at all. There are just times when the silence seems so loud and overwhelming that it’s painful.
“Remember, it’s always all right to be honest with God and admit your longings. It’s even all right to tell Him how you intend to honor Him if He gives it. But you must also tell Him you love Him and will serve Him even if He sees fit to withhold this blessing. That’s the hard part.” ~PWD, in an email to me on Hannah
I admit it. There are times when I feel empty and completely left out of God’s program for family. Even though I really do ultimately want His will and what’s best for me … oh, how I long for a husband to share the burdens and joys of the Christian walk with. How I wish for the opportunity to have children to raise to love Christ as much as I do. I know there are all sorts of ways God can and does use me just the way I am. And I certainly don’t want to live in the land of self-pity, because there is nothing useful or Christ-honoring there.
Lord, take this longing of my heart and transform it into love and desire for You and Your Word. Give me grace to overcome when the sorrow and weight threaten to overwhelm me. You have promised never to leave or forsake me. You have promised to strengthen and uphold me, to be my Comforter. Fill my heart so completely with You that there is no room for anything more.
And I come to the final page in my current journal. It represents a little over four years of my life, although most of it covers only the last ten months or so. It's kind of amazing to contemplate. So many changes in my life! So many lessons God has taught me. It's hard for me to believe I'm already approaching 30, and yet sometimes I can't believe I'm still so young. Time does seem to fly these days, though. There is so much yet to do, and so much to learn.
It's lunchtime, so I'm soaking up a few moments of warm humidity before venturing back inside. After yesterday's turmoil, it's a blessing to enjoy a moment of peace and rest.
I have grown to love Wednesday evening services so much. Every week I look forward to them with such joyful anticipation. Tonight I prayed with one of the elderly ladies in my church. What a dear, precious woman she is. Listening to her talk to the Lord was just so encouraging to me, such a blessing. And she's so determined to encourage me. She didn't get married until she was 34, so she knows and understands that I get discouraged and lonely. She is always saying something uplifting to build me up, and I know she prays faithfully for me. What a gracious gift! She is so kind, such a sweet, godly example. Thank You, Lord, for her influence in my life.
Had a long talk with my coworker about church today, which was good. I do wish our congregation were bigger and had more young people. But more than that, I wish the ones we have would get excited about God's work in their lives. Where is the joy in our salvation? How I long for my church family to overflow with zeal for God's Word and to have a hunger to grow and to be used. I have to think that if only that were to change, the other so-called "problems" would attend to themselves. And the only thing I know to do about it is to pray earnestly and to be an example in my own Christian walk. I know I can't do anything to change people, but I can do what I should do and leave the rest in the Lord's hands. He is faithful!
It's lunchtime, so I'm soaking up a few moments of warm humidity before venturing back inside. After yesterday's turmoil, it's a blessing to enjoy a moment of peace and rest.
I have grown to love Wednesday evening services so much. Every week I look forward to them with such joyful anticipation. Tonight I prayed with one of the elderly ladies in my church. What a dear, precious woman she is. Listening to her talk to the Lord was just so encouraging to me, such a blessing. And she's so determined to encourage me. She didn't get married until she was 34, so she knows and understands that I get discouraged and lonely. She is always saying something uplifting to build me up, and I know she prays faithfully for me. What a gracious gift! She is so kind, such a sweet, godly example. Thank You, Lord, for her influence in my life.
Had a long talk with my coworker about church today, which was good. I do wish our congregation were bigger and had more young people. But more than that, I wish the ones we have would get excited about God's work in their lives. Where is the joy in our salvation? How I long for my church family to overflow with zeal for God's Word and to have a hunger to grow and to be used. I have to think that if only that were to change, the other so-called "problems" would attend to themselves. And the only thing I know to do about it is to pray earnestly and to be an example in my own Christian walk. I know I can't do anything to change people, but I can do what I should do and leave the rest in the Lord's hands. He is faithful!
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