Last night was so sweet. Near the end of the workday I was just about to pull my hair out with loneliness and desire for conversation. So finally I just rattled off a mainly incoherent email to my best friend. It wasn't long before she IM'ed me, then called me, and it was just so sweet of her to do that. I really was feeling rather nutty and cabin feverish yesterday, and we just had a nice long conversation about me dealing with being lonely and her dealing with wanting and not wanting to be pregnant, and how be both are learning how to lean on the Lord through it all. It was a great encouragement, and something I desperately needed.
Blissful quiet. Seems funny to think of the traffic noises both inside and outside as "quiet," but compared to the office, this white noise is nothing. The wind is blowing as the remnants of hurricane Katrina drift over our heads in clumps of cottony white gauze. The sun is shining, and the breeze is brisk and warm. How I'd love to go out and just bask in the wind and the sunshine. I'll simply have to content myself with gazing through the window instead.
With each bit of wind the tree outside seems to squirm and tremble with glee, like a ticklish toddler. All creation praises the Lord. I wonder if a tree rejoices in being and doing exactly what it was created for. "I will stand here, tall and strong, and proclaim just by my existence the power, majesty, and glory of my Creator. His wind will sing through my branches, and my leaves will rustle their praise. I will soak up the sunlight and the rain, both of them gifts necessary for my growth. And when the time comes, I will surrender this life for whatever purpose I have next to serve."
Huh. Lessons from a tree and a puff of wind, to be what I was created to be - a glory to my God. To accept the changes in my "weather" all as gifts to make me grow. To anticipate death as the fulfillment of His ultimate purpose for me.
With each bit of wind the tree outside seems to squirm and tremble with glee, like a ticklish toddler. All creation praises the Lord. I wonder if a tree rejoices in being and doing exactly what it was created for. "I will stand here, tall and strong, and proclaim just by my existence the power, majesty, and glory of my Creator. His wind will sing through my branches, and my leaves will rustle their praise. I will soak up the sunlight and the rain, both of them gifts necessary for my growth. And when the time comes, I will surrender this life for whatever purpose I have next to serve."
Huh. Lessons from a tree and a puff of wind, to be what I was created to be - a glory to my God. To accept the changes in my "weather" all as gifts to make me grow. To anticipate death as the fulfillment of His ultimate purpose for me.
So glad last night is over with. Perhaps now I can move beyond the depressing frame of mind that has tormented me off and on for the last week. Last night was just awful, and yet in some ways it was a relief to just let it all out, put it all down, and move on.
Now there is so much to do before Thursday, and I'm bound to be exhausted for most of it. But somehow, struggling my way through mere physical discomfort doesn't seem so bad when my spirit is in the right place. With joy in serving Christ I can persevere to get done the things He has for me.
I have been so obsessed with my coming birthday, and I need to just let it go. It's not that I care one whit about turning 30 (well, maybe a tiny whit ;-), but I keep imagining and hoping for some kind of big party, and I just know I'm working myself up for a disappointment. No one is going to throw me a party, and I don't need one. Yeah, I really want one, but daydreaming about it will only lead to a great big letdown. I need to just PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!
Now there is so much to do before Thursday, and I'm bound to be exhausted for most of it. But somehow, struggling my way through mere physical discomfort doesn't seem so bad when my spirit is in the right place. With joy in serving Christ I can persevere to get done the things He has for me.
I have been so obsessed with my coming birthday, and I need to just let it go. It's not that I care one whit about turning 30 (well, maybe a tiny whit ;-), but I keep imagining and hoping for some kind of big party, and I just know I'm working myself up for a disappointment. No one is going to throw me a party, and I don't need one. Yeah, I really want one, but daydreaming about it will only lead to a great big letdown. I need to just PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!
I have landed here at the end of the day in a sea of loneliness and pain. I tried so hard today to reach out to others and be an encouragement, to be genuinely interested in the needs and concerns of those around me. I had several conversations with lots of different people ... but no one, NOT ONE PERSON showed any interest in me. I know it should not bother me. I should not let it hurt me, an dmost of the time I can be victorious over the self-absorption that longs for some personal attention. But today I am fighting my own chemistry and already lonely beyond description. There is no one to talk to. I know they care, and they often show it in such lovely ways. But I just really wanted it today, and it wasn't there.
I am so heart-wrenchingly lonely. It is an actual physical pain somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. I wanted badly to be able to rejoice in the message tonight and get my focus off myself. But no, the pain was determined to stay. Lord, I feel so left out, so left behind. Oh, forgive me! I know I should be satisfied and content, but tonight I'm not! I am empty and lost and utterly heartbroken. Why isn't Your love enough? All I can do is pray that You will make it so. My heart is filled with envy and longings that creep in from every side like kudzu and threaten to suffocate the joy and contentment You offer to Your children. Lord, you know the desire of my heart. A husband is a good gift you are pleased to give most young women. I know you have a perfect plan for me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes joyfully and selflessly.... So very alone...
I am so heart-wrenchingly lonely. It is an actual physical pain somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. I wanted badly to be able to rejoice in the message tonight and get my focus off myself. But no, the pain was determined to stay. Lord, I feel so left out, so left behind. Oh, forgive me! I know I should be satisfied and content, but tonight I'm not! I am empty and lost and utterly heartbroken. Why isn't Your love enough? All I can do is pray that You will make it so. My heart is filled with envy and longings that creep in from every side like kudzu and threaten to suffocate the joy and contentment You offer to Your children. Lord, you know the desire of my heart. A husband is a good gift you are pleased to give most young women. I know you have a perfect plan for me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes joyfully and selflessly.... So very alone...
"Knowledge is everywhere encouraged in the Bible; our best interests are interwoven with it; and the spirituality of our minds, and the real enjoyment of our lives, depend upon its increase. Grace and peace are multiplied through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.
"Nor is it necessary for our own sakes only, but for the sake of others. It is a great encouragement to Christian ministers when those whom they teach possess a good understanding in the things of God. Indeed, none but those who are engaged in the work of teaching can tell how much the ardor of the mind is damped by the contrary. ...
"As the powers of created beings are limited, and no one can expect to understand every thing, it is the province of wisdom to select those kinds of knowledge, as the objects of our pursuit, which are most valuable and of the greatest utility. There are some depths, of which it is our honor and felicity to be ignorant; and even in things which are lawful, we may, in numberless instances, very well be excused, if not in wholly neglecting, yet in possessing only a general acquaintance with them. But Divine truth requires not only to be known, but well known; it is not only necessary that we have sentiments, and right sentiments, but that we enter deeply into them. Everything pertaining to God is great, and requires all our powers. In whatever we indulge indifference, there is no room for it here; God requires not only all our heart but all our mind and strength. ... To be contented with a superficial acquaintance with Divine things implies disrespect to Him who has revealed them. ... [F]or in proportion as we love God, his word will dwell richly in us. It will be our bosom companion, to which we shall have recourse on every occasion; especially in seasons of leisure, when the mind, like a spring from which pressure is removed, rises to its natural position. ...
"In times of apostasy from the truth, Christians are exhorted to be steadfast. But a steadfast adherence to truth requires that we be rooted and grounded in it. ...
"The circulation of doctrines pleasing to corrupt nature will prove men to be what they are. They are the fan in Christ's hand, by which he will thoroughly purge his floor. That light-minded professors of religion should be carried away with them, is no more a matter of surprise than that chaff should be carried away by the wind; but how is it that those of whom we would hope better things are often shaken?
"If a minister, in almost any congregation, should relinquish truth, and fall into the grossest errors, unless he had so conducted himself as to have gained little or no esteem among the people, he is seldom known to go off alone: sometimes half a congregation, and sometimes more, have been known to follow him, or, at least, to be greatly unhinged for a considerable time. ...
"How are these things to be accounted for? I conceive the principal reason is, that Christians content themselves with a superficial knowledge of Divine things. Great numbers, from a dislike to controversy, will never take any pains to understand the difference between one set of religious principles and another. They have no desire to enable themselves to distinguish between true and false reasonings. They are too apt to take it for granted that what they have imbibed is truth, and that nothing can be advanced, with the least color of reason, for the contrary: when, therefore, an argument appears with a little plausibility on its face, it has only to obtain a reading or a hearing, and their assent is gained. Brethren, let shame, if nothing else, provoke us, that we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. Let us be concerned, not obstinately to adhere to our present sentiments, be they what they may, but to know the mind of God in his word; and, knowing it, let us steadfastly adhere to it.
"Let us not presume on our own firmness, but put on the whole armour of God, that we may withstand in the evil day. The first thing required in this Divine accoutrement is, that our loins be girt about with truth; but truth will not prove as a girdle to our loins in the day of battle, except we be deeply and intimately acquainted with it."
~ Andrew Fuller, from a sermon condensed by Dr. Mark Minnick and printed in Frontline Magazine, July/August, 2005
"Nor is it necessary for our own sakes only, but for the sake of others. It is a great encouragement to Christian ministers when those whom they teach possess a good understanding in the things of God. Indeed, none but those who are engaged in the work of teaching can tell how much the ardor of the mind is damped by the contrary. ...
"As the powers of created beings are limited, and no one can expect to understand every thing, it is the province of wisdom to select those kinds of knowledge, as the objects of our pursuit, which are most valuable and of the greatest utility. There are some depths, of which it is our honor and felicity to be ignorant; and even in things which are lawful, we may, in numberless instances, very well be excused, if not in wholly neglecting, yet in possessing only a general acquaintance with them. But Divine truth requires not only to be known, but well known; it is not only necessary that we have sentiments, and right sentiments, but that we enter deeply into them. Everything pertaining to God is great, and requires all our powers. In whatever we indulge indifference, there is no room for it here; God requires not only all our heart but all our mind and strength. ... To be contented with a superficial acquaintance with Divine things implies disrespect to Him who has revealed them. ... [F]or in proportion as we love God, his word will dwell richly in us. It will be our bosom companion, to which we shall have recourse on every occasion; especially in seasons of leisure, when the mind, like a spring from which pressure is removed, rises to its natural position. ...
"In times of apostasy from the truth, Christians are exhorted to be steadfast. But a steadfast adherence to truth requires that we be rooted and grounded in it. ...
"The circulation of doctrines pleasing to corrupt nature will prove men to be what they are. They are the fan in Christ's hand, by which he will thoroughly purge his floor. That light-minded professors of religion should be carried away with them, is no more a matter of surprise than that chaff should be carried away by the wind; but how is it that those of whom we would hope better things are often shaken?
"If a minister, in almost any congregation, should relinquish truth, and fall into the grossest errors, unless he had so conducted himself as to have gained little or no esteem among the people, he is seldom known to go off alone: sometimes half a congregation, and sometimes more, have been known to follow him, or, at least, to be greatly unhinged for a considerable time. ...
"How are these things to be accounted for? I conceive the principal reason is, that Christians content themselves with a superficial knowledge of Divine things. Great numbers, from a dislike to controversy, will never take any pains to understand the difference between one set of religious principles and another. They have no desire to enable themselves to distinguish between true and false reasonings. They are too apt to take it for granted that what they have imbibed is truth, and that nothing can be advanced, with the least color of reason, for the contrary: when, therefore, an argument appears with a little plausibility on its face, it has only to obtain a reading or a hearing, and their assent is gained. Brethren, let shame, if nothing else, provoke us, that we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. Let us be concerned, not obstinately to adhere to our present sentiments, be they what they may, but to know the mind of God in his word; and, knowing it, let us steadfastly adhere to it.
"Let us not presume on our own firmness, but put on the whole armour of God, that we may withstand in the evil day. The first thing required in this Divine accoutrement is, that our loins be girt about with truth; but truth will not prove as a girdle to our loins in the day of battle, except we be deeply and intimately acquainted with it."
~ Andrew Fuller, from a sermon condensed by Dr. Mark Minnick and printed in Frontline Magazine, July/August, 2005
What a nice day it has been. I have no trouble getting up early when the reason is church work and fellowship. If only I could find some way to transfer that to the weekday! I left the house a little after 8:00 and stopped at Burger King for breakfast. I read the neatest sermon in Frontline Magazine while I ate; it's funny how being reminded of some truths can make me almost gleeful with joy in the Lord. Then I went over to church for the work day. It was so rewarding to be able to clean and straighten and dispose and just generally improve things. My Sunday school room feels almost normal again. I got rid of a lot of old junk, and Mama took a box of stuff to Goodwill. All the boards and posters got put back on the walls, and everything cleaned and vacuumed and pruned and weeded - and oh! They cut down that horrid apple tree! It was a lovely day. Finally wrapped up about 2:30, came home, took a shower, and *hangs head* took a nap. It did feel good to get some rest, though. I hope I can still sleep tonight. I'm still comfortably tired, so we'll see how it goes.
I've been looking out my living room window and watching with fascination as a spider appears to crawl through thin air. It is rebuilding a web that I have torn down more than once due to its proximity to my front door. It's been demolished one or two other times by other means. I can't help but admire the creature's tenacity. It's as if it's saying, "This is my spot, and I'm going to work here no matter what!" Reminds me of people who live on the Florida coastline and shake their fists and rebuild after every hurricane.
I've been looking out my living room window and watching with fascination as a spider appears to crawl through thin air. It is rebuilding a web that I have torn down more than once due to its proximity to my front door. It's been demolished one or two other times by other means. I can't help but admire the creature's tenacity. It's as if it's saying, "This is my spot, and I'm going to work here no matter what!" Reminds me of people who live on the Florida coastline and shake their fists and rebuild after every hurricane.
"We are often surprised when God begins to deliberately subject us to His disciplined training. What surprises us is not that God wants us to be trained, but that the training is so hard. Anyone who follows God for any length of time quickly learns that the Holy Spirit is relentless. He is a master of turning every circumstance, however major or minor, into a training session. Our world becomes God's training gym, and every situation is an opportunity for God to teach us. God's goal is not to wear us out, but to prepare us for the future. At first, the tests God brings may seem difficult, but they are only small tastes of the greater tests you will face in the future."
~ Michael Warden, Alone with God
I am so tired today. I forced myself to stay up until 11:00 last night, but once again I had a hard time getting to sleep. And then I overslept, and I've been dragging all morning.
I guess I can't complain, though. My coworker is home with a kidney stone, poor guy. :( I'm sure this one more problem is not helping his frame of mind at all. Thank You, Lord, that my problems are small and insignificant. Whenever they seem to overwhelm me, I am reminded once more of just how blessed I am. All the little things that bug me are nothing compared to all the good things You've given me.
I just wish ... ah, but it does no good to moan and whine. Turn your longings and yearnings over to Christ! He is your every satisfaction. His plan for you is perfect, and you are complete in Him alone. Meanwhile, just be faithful and trust His leading and His care. You may not have the earthly love you desire, but nothing can separate you from His love.
Church tonight was pretty good. I didn't play as well as I wanted to, but I didn't fall apart, either. Tempo was a problem, but I imagine that will improve with time. I was nervous & shaky as anything; hopefully that too will improve with time. The business meeting went fast enough to have time for prayer, which was a real relief. It was decided to keep doing the Sunday morning fellowships. And I'm still teaching Sunday school. *sigh* I know I could say no when the superintendent asks, but I don't think anyone else wants the job. I need to have a better attitude about it and be more faithful in preparing. I have the class for a reason, even though I have no clue what that reason is.
Tomorrow night is Ladies' Bible Study. Yay! I really missed it last month. But the lesson is on fear, and ... I just don't think of myself as particularly fearful. Frankly, I think I'm usually too bold for my own good. But any discussion of God's Word is bound to be a blessing, and I could surely use the fellowship and encouragement.
I guess I can't complain, though. My coworker is home with a kidney stone, poor guy. :( I'm sure this one more problem is not helping his frame of mind at all. Thank You, Lord, that my problems are small and insignificant. Whenever they seem to overwhelm me, I am reminded once more of just how blessed I am. All the little things that bug me are nothing compared to all the good things You've given me.
I just wish ... ah, but it does no good to moan and whine. Turn your longings and yearnings over to Christ! He is your every satisfaction. His plan for you is perfect, and you are complete in Him alone. Meanwhile, just be faithful and trust His leading and His care. You may not have the earthly love you desire, but nothing can separate you from His love.
Church tonight was pretty good. I didn't play as well as I wanted to, but I didn't fall apart, either. Tempo was a problem, but I imagine that will improve with time. I was nervous & shaky as anything; hopefully that too will improve with time. The business meeting went fast enough to have time for prayer, which was a real relief. It was decided to keep doing the Sunday morning fellowships. And I'm still teaching Sunday school. *sigh* I know I could say no when the superintendent asks, but I don't think anyone else wants the job. I need to have a better attitude about it and be more faithful in preparing. I have the class for a reason, even though I have no clue what that reason is.
Tomorrow night is Ladies' Bible Study. Yay! I really missed it last month. But the lesson is on fear, and ... I just don't think of myself as particularly fearful. Frankly, I think I'm usually too bold for my own good. But any discussion of God's Word is bound to be a blessing, and I could surely use the fellowship and encouragement.
I've done pretty well for a Monday, but I still need a serious attitude adjustment. Why is it so hard to be joyful here? Why can I not seem to keep my emotions in check and just be faithful anyway? Why can't I rejoice as much in the week's service as I do in the weekend's worship?! :-(
There is also failure and confession. It has been a bad, bad day, and I wish I could just start over. I hate having to ask forgiveness for the same failures over and over. But that is pride, the thought that surely I must be beyond this failing by now. But no. I am fallen and sinful, and I fail when I take my focus off my Savior and try to depend on my own strength. Romans 7 and 8 are so rich, and it is so comforting to know that even Paul struggled with sin in his life.
Lord, I am so sorry. I fell again. Please cleanse my heart and renew it for fellowship with and joy in You once more. Break me and humble me; make me hate the sin of my heart that is so abhorrent to You.
Oh Father, I am so lonely. If it weren't for You, I would be a complete and utter wreck. How I long for a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be accountable to. I want someone who would encourage me, and for whom I could provide unconditional love, support, and encouragement!
But Lord, I want Your will and plan for me more than I want a husband. I want to be faithful and useful in Your service. And Lord, if that means I never have an earthly love, help me to mean it when I say that's okay. My heart may ache, but You are the ultimate Healer of hearts. Enable me to rest content in Your love alone. Wrap Your arms around me and remind me of that love when I get so desperately lonely.
Lord, I am so sorry. I fell again. Please cleanse my heart and renew it for fellowship with and joy in You once more. Break me and humble me; make me hate the sin of my heart that is so abhorrent to You.
Oh Father, I am so lonely. If it weren't for You, I would be a complete and utter wreck. How I long for a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be accountable to. I want someone who would encourage me, and for whom I could provide unconditional love, support, and encouragement!
But Lord, I want Your will and plan for me more than I want a husband. I want to be faithful and useful in Your service. And Lord, if that means I never have an earthly love, help me to mean it when I say that's okay. My heart may ache, but You are the ultimate Healer of hearts. Enable me to rest content in Your love alone. Wrap Your arms around me and remind me of that love when I get so desperately lonely.
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