I can tell that I haven't been as faithful as I should lately. The other day I accidentally betrayed a confidence. I didn't mean to; it came out before I could stop it. And because I stopped myself before I could say all of it, I didn't give a complete picture. :-(
I know exactly the area I've been neglecting that ends me up relying on my own strength, and that is my prayer life. Lord, please forgive me for allowing worldly distractions to draw me away from spending quality time in prayer and studying Your Word. Please break me and humble me. I long to be molded into the person You'd have me to be. Empty me of myself and fill me with You. Teach me how to submit to You in every area of my life.
Lord, how I long for companionship. I want so badly to have a godly mate, someone to study and grow with, someone to lean on, to hug me when I'm sad, to support me when I'm confused. Someone who's willing to confront me when I'm wrong or to praise me when I need affirmation and encouragement. Help me to take my focus OFF myself when I get too bogged down in self-pity. I am so blessed, but it is easier to indulge in moping than to trust God's perfect plan and purpose for me.
"One problem with the word work is that it has come to be equated with drudgery, and is considered degrading. Now some work is drudgery, though it is not always degrading. Vacuuming the house or scrubbing out the refrigerator is drudgery for me, though I find it in no way degrading. And that it is drudgery is lack in me. I enjoy the results and so I should enjoy producing the results. I suspect that it is not the work itself which is the problem, but that it is taking me from other work, such as whatever manuscript I am currently working on. Drudgery is not what work is meant to be. Our work should be our play. If we watch a child at play for a few minutes,seriously at play, we see that all his energies are concentrated on it. He is working very hard at it. And that is how the artist works, although the artist may be conscious of discipline while the child simply experiences it."
~ Madeleine L'Engle, Glimpses of Grace
Last night was so sweet. Near the end of the workday I was just about to pull my hair out with loneliness and desire for conversation. So finally I just rattled off a mainly incoherent email to my best friend. It wasn't long before she IM'ed me, then called me, and it was just so sweet of her to do that. I really was feeling rather nutty and cabin feverish yesterday, and we just had a nice long conversation about me dealing with being lonely and her dealing with wanting and not wanting to be pregnant, and how be both are learning how to lean on the Lord through it all. It was a great encouragement, and something I desperately needed.
Blissful quiet. Seems funny to think of the traffic noises both inside and outside as "quiet," but compared to the office, this white noise is nothing. The wind is blowing as the remnants of hurricane Katrina drift over our heads in clumps of cottony white gauze. The sun is shining, and the breeze is brisk and warm. How I'd love to go out and just bask in the wind and the sunshine. I'll simply have to content myself with gazing through the window instead.
With each bit of wind the tree outside seems to squirm and tremble with glee, like a ticklish toddler. All creation praises the Lord. I wonder if a tree rejoices in being and doing exactly what it was created for. "I will stand here, tall and strong, and proclaim just by my existence the power, majesty, and glory of my Creator. His wind will sing through my branches, and my leaves will rustle their praise. I will soak up the sunlight and the rain, both of them gifts necessary for my growth. And when the time comes, I will surrender this life for whatever purpose I have next to serve."
Huh. Lessons from a tree and a puff of wind, to be what I was created to be - a glory to my God. To accept the changes in my "weather" all as gifts to make me grow. To anticipate death as the fulfillment of His ultimate purpose for me.
With each bit of wind the tree outside seems to squirm and tremble with glee, like a ticklish toddler. All creation praises the Lord. I wonder if a tree rejoices in being and doing exactly what it was created for. "I will stand here, tall and strong, and proclaim just by my existence the power, majesty, and glory of my Creator. His wind will sing through my branches, and my leaves will rustle their praise. I will soak up the sunlight and the rain, both of them gifts necessary for my growth. And when the time comes, I will surrender this life for whatever purpose I have next to serve."
Huh. Lessons from a tree and a puff of wind, to be what I was created to be - a glory to my God. To accept the changes in my "weather" all as gifts to make me grow. To anticipate death as the fulfillment of His ultimate purpose for me.
So glad last night is over with. Perhaps now I can move beyond the depressing frame of mind that has tormented me off and on for the last week. Last night was just awful, and yet in some ways it was a relief to just let it all out, put it all down, and move on.
Now there is so much to do before Thursday, and I'm bound to be exhausted for most of it. But somehow, struggling my way through mere physical discomfort doesn't seem so bad when my spirit is in the right place. With joy in serving Christ I can persevere to get done the things He has for me.
I have been so obsessed with my coming birthday, and I need to just let it go. It's not that I care one whit about turning 30 (well, maybe a tiny whit ;-), but I keep imagining and hoping for some kind of big party, and I just know I'm working myself up for a disappointment. No one is going to throw me a party, and I don't need one. Yeah, I really want one, but daydreaming about it will only lead to a great big letdown. I need to just PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!
Now there is so much to do before Thursday, and I'm bound to be exhausted for most of it. But somehow, struggling my way through mere physical discomfort doesn't seem so bad when my spirit is in the right place. With joy in serving Christ I can persevere to get done the things He has for me.
I have been so obsessed with my coming birthday, and I need to just let it go. It's not that I care one whit about turning 30 (well, maybe a tiny whit ;-), but I keep imagining and hoping for some kind of big party, and I just know I'm working myself up for a disappointment. No one is going to throw me a party, and I don't need one. Yeah, I really want one, but daydreaming about it will only lead to a great big letdown. I need to just PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!
I have landed here at the end of the day in a sea of loneliness and pain. I tried so hard today to reach out to others and be an encouragement, to be genuinely interested in the needs and concerns of those around me. I had several conversations with lots of different people ... but no one, NOT ONE PERSON showed any interest in me. I know it should not bother me. I should not let it hurt me, an dmost of the time I can be victorious over the self-absorption that longs for some personal attention. But today I am fighting my own chemistry and already lonely beyond description. There is no one to talk to. I know they care, and they often show it in such lovely ways. But I just really wanted it today, and it wasn't there.
I am so heart-wrenchingly lonely. It is an actual physical pain somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. I wanted badly to be able to rejoice in the message tonight and get my focus off myself. But no, the pain was determined to stay. Lord, I feel so left out, so left behind. Oh, forgive me! I know I should be satisfied and content, but tonight I'm not! I am empty and lost and utterly heartbroken. Why isn't Your love enough? All I can do is pray that You will make it so. My heart is filled with envy and longings that creep in from every side like kudzu and threaten to suffocate the joy and contentment You offer to Your children. Lord, you know the desire of my heart. A husband is a good gift you are pleased to give most young women. I know you have a perfect plan for me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes joyfully and selflessly.... So very alone...
I am so heart-wrenchingly lonely. It is an actual physical pain somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. I wanted badly to be able to rejoice in the message tonight and get my focus off myself. But no, the pain was determined to stay. Lord, I feel so left out, so left behind. Oh, forgive me! I know I should be satisfied and content, but tonight I'm not! I am empty and lost and utterly heartbroken. Why isn't Your love enough? All I can do is pray that You will make it so. My heart is filled with envy and longings that creep in from every side like kudzu and threaten to suffocate the joy and contentment You offer to Your children. Lord, you know the desire of my heart. A husband is a good gift you are pleased to give most young women. I know you have a perfect plan for me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes joyfully and selflessly.... So very alone...
"Knowledge is everywhere encouraged in the Bible; our best interests are interwoven with it; and the spirituality of our minds, and the real enjoyment of our lives, depend upon its increase. Grace and peace are multiplied through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.
"Nor is it necessary for our own sakes only, but for the sake of others. It is a great encouragement to Christian ministers when those whom they teach possess a good understanding in the things of God. Indeed, none but those who are engaged in the work of teaching can tell how much the ardor of the mind is damped by the contrary. ...
"As the powers of created beings are limited, and no one can expect to understand every thing, it is the province of wisdom to select those kinds of knowledge, as the objects of our pursuit, which are most valuable and of the greatest utility. There are some depths, of which it is our honor and felicity to be ignorant; and even in things which are lawful, we may, in numberless instances, very well be excused, if not in wholly neglecting, yet in possessing only a general acquaintance with them. But Divine truth requires not only to be known, but well known; it is not only necessary that we have sentiments, and right sentiments, but that we enter deeply into them. Everything pertaining to God is great, and requires all our powers. In whatever we indulge indifference, there is no room for it here; God requires not only all our heart but all our mind and strength. ... To be contented with a superficial acquaintance with Divine things implies disrespect to Him who has revealed them. ... [F]or in proportion as we love God, his word will dwell richly in us. It will be our bosom companion, to which we shall have recourse on every occasion; especially in seasons of leisure, when the mind, like a spring from which pressure is removed, rises to its natural position. ...
"In times of apostasy from the truth, Christians are exhorted to be steadfast. But a steadfast adherence to truth requires that we be rooted and grounded in it. ...
"The circulation of doctrines pleasing to corrupt nature will prove men to be what they are. They are the fan in Christ's hand, by which he will thoroughly purge his floor. That light-minded professors of religion should be carried away with them, is no more a matter of surprise than that chaff should be carried away by the wind; but how is it that those of whom we would hope better things are often shaken?
"If a minister, in almost any congregation, should relinquish truth, and fall into the grossest errors, unless he had so conducted himself as to have gained little or no esteem among the people, he is seldom known to go off alone: sometimes half a congregation, and sometimes more, have been known to follow him, or, at least, to be greatly unhinged for a considerable time. ...
"How are these things to be accounted for? I conceive the principal reason is, that Christians content themselves with a superficial knowledge of Divine things. Great numbers, from a dislike to controversy, will never take any pains to understand the difference between one set of religious principles and another. They have no desire to enable themselves to distinguish between true and false reasonings. They are too apt to take it for granted that what they have imbibed is truth, and that nothing can be advanced, with the least color of reason, for the contrary: when, therefore, an argument appears with a little plausibility on its face, it has only to obtain a reading or a hearing, and their assent is gained. Brethren, let shame, if nothing else, provoke us, that we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. Let us be concerned, not obstinately to adhere to our present sentiments, be they what they may, but to know the mind of God in his word; and, knowing it, let us steadfastly adhere to it.
"Let us not presume on our own firmness, but put on the whole armour of God, that we may withstand in the evil day. The first thing required in this Divine accoutrement is, that our loins be girt about with truth; but truth will not prove as a girdle to our loins in the day of battle, except we be deeply and intimately acquainted with it."
~ Andrew Fuller, from a sermon condensed by Dr. Mark Minnick and printed in Frontline Magazine, July/August, 2005
"Nor is it necessary for our own sakes only, but for the sake of others. It is a great encouragement to Christian ministers when those whom they teach possess a good understanding in the things of God. Indeed, none but those who are engaged in the work of teaching can tell how much the ardor of the mind is damped by the contrary. ...
"As the powers of created beings are limited, and no one can expect to understand every thing, it is the province of wisdom to select those kinds of knowledge, as the objects of our pursuit, which are most valuable and of the greatest utility. There are some depths, of which it is our honor and felicity to be ignorant; and even in things which are lawful, we may, in numberless instances, very well be excused, if not in wholly neglecting, yet in possessing only a general acquaintance with them. But Divine truth requires not only to be known, but well known; it is not only necessary that we have sentiments, and right sentiments, but that we enter deeply into them. Everything pertaining to God is great, and requires all our powers. In whatever we indulge indifference, there is no room for it here; God requires not only all our heart but all our mind and strength. ... To be contented with a superficial acquaintance with Divine things implies disrespect to Him who has revealed them. ... [F]or in proportion as we love God, his word will dwell richly in us. It will be our bosom companion, to which we shall have recourse on every occasion; especially in seasons of leisure, when the mind, like a spring from which pressure is removed, rises to its natural position. ...
"In times of apostasy from the truth, Christians are exhorted to be steadfast. But a steadfast adherence to truth requires that we be rooted and grounded in it. ...
"The circulation of doctrines pleasing to corrupt nature will prove men to be what they are. They are the fan in Christ's hand, by which he will thoroughly purge his floor. That light-minded professors of religion should be carried away with them, is no more a matter of surprise than that chaff should be carried away by the wind; but how is it that those of whom we would hope better things are often shaken?
"If a minister, in almost any congregation, should relinquish truth, and fall into the grossest errors, unless he had so conducted himself as to have gained little or no esteem among the people, he is seldom known to go off alone: sometimes half a congregation, and sometimes more, have been known to follow him, or, at least, to be greatly unhinged for a considerable time. ...
"How are these things to be accounted for? I conceive the principal reason is, that Christians content themselves with a superficial knowledge of Divine things. Great numbers, from a dislike to controversy, will never take any pains to understand the difference between one set of religious principles and another. They have no desire to enable themselves to distinguish between true and false reasonings. They are too apt to take it for granted that what they have imbibed is truth, and that nothing can be advanced, with the least color of reason, for the contrary: when, therefore, an argument appears with a little plausibility on its face, it has only to obtain a reading or a hearing, and their assent is gained. Brethren, let shame, if nothing else, provoke us, that we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. Let us be concerned, not obstinately to adhere to our present sentiments, be they what they may, but to know the mind of God in his word; and, knowing it, let us steadfastly adhere to it.
"Let us not presume on our own firmness, but put on the whole armour of God, that we may withstand in the evil day. The first thing required in this Divine accoutrement is, that our loins be girt about with truth; but truth will not prove as a girdle to our loins in the day of battle, except we be deeply and intimately acquainted with it."
~ Andrew Fuller, from a sermon condensed by Dr. Mark Minnick and printed in Frontline Magazine, July/August, 2005
What a nice day it has been. I have no trouble getting up early when the reason is church work and fellowship. If only I could find some way to transfer that to the weekday! I left the house a little after 8:00 and stopped at Burger King for breakfast. I read the neatest sermon in Frontline Magazine while I ate; it's funny how being reminded of some truths can make me almost gleeful with joy in the Lord. Then I went over to church for the work day. It was so rewarding to be able to clean and straighten and dispose and just generally improve things. My Sunday school room feels almost normal again. I got rid of a lot of old junk, and Mama took a box of stuff to Goodwill. All the boards and posters got put back on the walls, and everything cleaned and vacuumed and pruned and weeded - and oh! They cut down that horrid apple tree! It was a lovely day. Finally wrapped up about 2:30, came home, took a shower, and *hangs head* took a nap. It did feel good to get some rest, though. I hope I can still sleep tonight. I'm still comfortably tired, so we'll see how it goes.
I've been looking out my living room window and watching with fascination as a spider appears to crawl through thin air. It is rebuilding a web that I have torn down more than once due to its proximity to my front door. It's been demolished one or two other times by other means. I can't help but admire the creature's tenacity. It's as if it's saying, "This is my spot, and I'm going to work here no matter what!" Reminds me of people who live on the Florida coastline and shake their fists and rebuild after every hurricane.
I've been looking out my living room window and watching with fascination as a spider appears to crawl through thin air. It is rebuilding a web that I have torn down more than once due to its proximity to my front door. It's been demolished one or two other times by other means. I can't help but admire the creature's tenacity. It's as if it's saying, "This is my spot, and I'm going to work here no matter what!" Reminds me of people who live on the Florida coastline and shake their fists and rebuild after every hurricane.
"We are often surprised when God begins to deliberately subject us to His disciplined training. What surprises us is not that God wants us to be trained, but that the training is so hard. Anyone who follows God for any length of time quickly learns that the Holy Spirit is relentless. He is a master of turning every circumstance, however major or minor, into a training session. Our world becomes God's training gym, and every situation is an opportunity for God to teach us. God's goal is not to wear us out, but to prepare us for the future. At first, the tests God brings may seem difficult, but they are only small tastes of the greater tests you will face in the future."
~ Michael Warden, Alone with God
I am so tired today. I forced myself to stay up until 11:00 last night, but once again I had a hard time getting to sleep. And then I overslept, and I've been dragging all morning.
I guess I can't complain, though. My coworker is home with a kidney stone, poor guy. :( I'm sure this one more problem is not helping his frame of mind at all. Thank You, Lord, that my problems are small and insignificant. Whenever they seem to overwhelm me, I am reminded once more of just how blessed I am. All the little things that bug me are nothing compared to all the good things You've given me.
I just wish ... ah, but it does no good to moan and whine. Turn your longings and yearnings over to Christ! He is your every satisfaction. His plan for you is perfect, and you are complete in Him alone. Meanwhile, just be faithful and trust His leading and His care. You may not have the earthly love you desire, but nothing can separate you from His love.
Church tonight was pretty good. I didn't play as well as I wanted to, but I didn't fall apart, either. Tempo was a problem, but I imagine that will improve with time. I was nervous & shaky as anything; hopefully that too will improve with time. The business meeting went fast enough to have time for prayer, which was a real relief. It was decided to keep doing the Sunday morning fellowships. And I'm still teaching Sunday school. *sigh* I know I could say no when the superintendent asks, but I don't think anyone else wants the job. I need to have a better attitude about it and be more faithful in preparing. I have the class for a reason, even though I have no clue what that reason is.
Tomorrow night is Ladies' Bible Study. Yay! I really missed it last month. But the lesson is on fear, and ... I just don't think of myself as particularly fearful. Frankly, I think I'm usually too bold for my own good. But any discussion of God's Word is bound to be a blessing, and I could surely use the fellowship and encouragement.
I guess I can't complain, though. My coworker is home with a kidney stone, poor guy. :( I'm sure this one more problem is not helping his frame of mind at all. Thank You, Lord, that my problems are small and insignificant. Whenever they seem to overwhelm me, I am reminded once more of just how blessed I am. All the little things that bug me are nothing compared to all the good things You've given me.
I just wish ... ah, but it does no good to moan and whine. Turn your longings and yearnings over to Christ! He is your every satisfaction. His plan for you is perfect, and you are complete in Him alone. Meanwhile, just be faithful and trust His leading and His care. You may not have the earthly love you desire, but nothing can separate you from His love.
Church tonight was pretty good. I didn't play as well as I wanted to, but I didn't fall apart, either. Tempo was a problem, but I imagine that will improve with time. I was nervous & shaky as anything; hopefully that too will improve with time. The business meeting went fast enough to have time for prayer, which was a real relief. It was decided to keep doing the Sunday morning fellowships. And I'm still teaching Sunday school. *sigh* I know I could say no when the superintendent asks, but I don't think anyone else wants the job. I need to have a better attitude about it and be more faithful in preparing. I have the class for a reason, even though I have no clue what that reason is.
Tomorrow night is Ladies' Bible Study. Yay! I really missed it last month. But the lesson is on fear, and ... I just don't think of myself as particularly fearful. Frankly, I think I'm usually too bold for my own good. But any discussion of God's Word is bound to be a blessing, and I could surely use the fellowship and encouragement.
I've done pretty well for a Monday, but I still need a serious attitude adjustment. Why is it so hard to be joyful here? Why can I not seem to keep my emotions in check and just be faithful anyway? Why can't I rejoice as much in the week's service as I do in the weekend's worship?! :-(
There is also failure and confession. It has been a bad, bad day, and I wish I could just start over. I hate having to ask forgiveness for the same failures over and over. But that is pride, the thought that surely I must be beyond this failing by now. But no. I am fallen and sinful, and I fail when I take my focus off my Savior and try to depend on my own strength. Romans 7 and 8 are so rich, and it is so comforting to know that even Paul struggled with sin in his life.
Lord, I am so sorry. I fell again. Please cleanse my heart and renew it for fellowship with and joy in You once more. Break me and humble me; make me hate the sin of my heart that is so abhorrent to You.
Oh Father, I am so lonely. If it weren't for You, I would be a complete and utter wreck. How I long for a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be accountable to. I want someone who would encourage me, and for whom I could provide unconditional love, support, and encouragement!
But Lord, I want Your will and plan for me more than I want a husband. I want to be faithful and useful in Your service. And Lord, if that means I never have an earthly love, help me to mean it when I say that's okay. My heart may ache, but You are the ultimate Healer of hearts. Enable me to rest content in Your love alone. Wrap Your arms around me and remind me of that love when I get so desperately lonely.
Lord, I am so sorry. I fell again. Please cleanse my heart and renew it for fellowship with and joy in You once more. Break me and humble me; make me hate the sin of my heart that is so abhorrent to You.
Oh Father, I am so lonely. If it weren't for You, I would be a complete and utter wreck. How I long for a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be accountable to. I want someone who would encourage me, and for whom I could provide unconditional love, support, and encouragement!
But Lord, I want Your will and plan for me more than I want a husband. I want to be faithful and useful in Your service. And Lord, if that means I never have an earthly love, help me to mean it when I say that's okay. My heart may ache, but You are the ultimate Healer of hearts. Enable me to rest content in Your love alone. Wrap Your arms around me and remind me of that love when I get so desperately lonely.
My coworker and I had a good talk this morning about his challenge last night at prayer meeting. People are so bad about not thinking about what they are thinking about. It sounds funny when you put it that way, but it's really true, especially among Christians. It's one of the reasons I think people are afraid to witness - because they haven't truly reasoned out and thought through why they believe what they do, they're afraid they won't have the right answers for someone who has thought out their own world view. Christians want to stay spiritual babies because at that level, the formula is simple: sin, repent, confess, be forgiven, repeat.
But actual progress toward sanctification takes work. It's more than being faithful in church and trying not to be naughty the rest of the week! It's about allowing God's Word and the work of the Holy Spirit to completely rule every part of your life and to transform you bit by bit into the image of Christ. It means continually re-evaluating your attitudes and actions in light of Scripture. It means constantly carving away the parts of you that the Holy Spirit brings to your attention that displease the Savior because they are selfish, or carnal, or taking part of your time, energy, or talents that He wants for Himself. There is SO MUCH MORE than showing up for sermons, reading your daily chapter, and saying your prayers!
But actual progress toward sanctification takes work. It's more than being faithful in church and trying not to be naughty the rest of the week! It's about allowing God's Word and the work of the Holy Spirit to completely rule every part of your life and to transform you bit by bit into the image of Christ. It means continually re-evaluating your attitudes and actions in light of Scripture. It means constantly carving away the parts of you that the Holy Spirit brings to your attention that displease the Savior because they are selfish, or carnal, or taking part of your time, energy, or talents that He wants for Himself. There is SO MUCH MORE than showing up for sermons, reading your daily chapter, and saying your prayers!
Everything I can think of to write sounds like whining in my head. When I have so many reasons to rejoice and be thankful, whining in my journal strikes me as unacceptable behavior. Yes, I am sick of my job. And yes, I am incredibly lonely these days. But my Father has blessed me so abundantly by granting me areas of service, like leading the Young Ladies’ Bible Study, or playing the piano on Wednesdays, or singing in the choir… There are just so many opportunities to give back to my Lord that surround me daily. And I can perform these tasks with joy in my God, because He is steadfast and sure. He never changes, and therefore all His promises, which are based upon His unchanging character, are trustworthy and available for me to cling to.
Lord, You know how I yearn for a husband. Give me grace to be content for Your timing, even if that timing is “never.” I can have no greater joy anywhere that is not Your will for me. You know how discouraged I am by my job, and how my own lack of diligence bothers me, because I know it doesn’t please You. Teach me how to keep You in the forefront of my thoughts and intentions all day long. Motivate me to please You in my performance, my words, my attitudes, my priorities. Break my heart when I waste the time You’ve given me to use for You. Enable me to surrender my compulsion to please myself completely to Your control.
Lord, You know how I yearn for a husband. Give me grace to be content for Your timing, even if that timing is “never.” I can have no greater joy anywhere that is not Your will for me. You know how discouraged I am by my job, and how my own lack of diligence bothers me, because I know it doesn’t please You. Teach me how to keep You in the forefront of my thoughts and intentions all day long. Motivate me to please You in my performance, my words, my attitudes, my priorities. Break my heart when I waste the time You’ve given me to use for You. Enable me to surrender my compulsion to please myself completely to Your control.
This morning I was wide awake at 5:30, and I just lay there until I went back to sleep. I wish I had pushed myself out of bed then, because I was late to work … again. I should take advantage of those times when I actually wake up early and coherent. I could get the day started more cheerfully.
Today was a relatively un-stressful day, but I still fail so miserably in diligence and in faithfulness. Lord, what will it take to motivate me to get out of bed and to work on time? I am being sinful and contemptuous of Your sacrifice for me every time I roll over and hit the snooze button instead of getting up when I should. Lord, break my heart over this fleshly failing of mine. Give me Your grace and strength to begin each day joyful and grateful for another day of fellowship with and service to You. And enable me to be diligent to use my time wisely. I could accomplish so much more if I didn’t waste so much time. “Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through Your law.” “Oh, that my ways were steadfast in keeping Your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all Your commands.” Help me to rejoice in following Your statutes and to meditate on Your law all day long!
“If to the right or left I stray,
That moment, Lord, reprove;
And let me weep my life away,
For having grieved thy love.”
~CHS
“If to the right or left I stray,
That moment, Lord, reprove;
And let me weep my life away,
For having grieved thy love.”
~CHS
“Cheerful holiness is the most forcible of sermons, but the Lord must give it you. … When it is the Lord’s work in which we rejoice, we need not be afraid of being too glad.” ~CHS
Today has been a little bit better. Sometimes I think it takes circumstances that push you to the brink in order to kind of “reset” your stress levels and put things back in perspective for a while. After having my little cry last night, I feel more able to face things with some measure of sanity.
I went to church after work to practice on the piano there, because I knew I wouldn’t be in anyone’s way tonight. Pastor & his wife left early this morning to take their son to college this weekend, so everything was deserted. That piano is so hard to play! It takes a lot of muscle to work the keys, which makes my barely-adequate skills that much worse. I hope I’ve done the right thing, starting now. I hope it’s not too soon, but I’ve got to start sometime. With one pianist moved away and our other pianist starting up teaching school again, it just seemed natural that now is the time. It’s going to be hard and slow, though. How grateful I am for a church family I can trust to be supportive. I don’t have to worry about anyone talking me down behind my back. That’s an enormous comfort when starting something like this, especially when I have so far yet to go.
I went to church after work to practice on the piano there, because I knew I wouldn’t be in anyone’s way tonight. Pastor & his wife left early this morning to take their son to college this weekend, so everything was deserted. That piano is so hard to play! It takes a lot of muscle to work the keys, which makes my barely-adequate skills that much worse. I hope I’ve done the right thing, starting now. I hope it’s not too soon, but I’ve got to start sometime. With one pianist moved away and our other pianist starting up teaching school again, it just seemed natural that now is the time. It’s going to be hard and slow, though. How grateful I am for a church family I can trust to be supportive. I don’t have to worry about anyone talking me down behind my back. That’s an enormous comfort when starting something like this, especially when I have so far yet to go.
I'm beginning to notice something about myself and how I react to my situation. I do a lot better dealing with discouragement or loneliness when no one else notices or tries to lift my spirits or encourage me. The Lord really is sufficient to my every need, and when others, well-meaning as they may be, try to “make me feel better,” often that just seems to draw my attention back to the hurt and make me dwell on it more as I think about what they said. Not that I don’t appreciate the concern, especially from someone like the elderly ladies at church, who are so dear and can be so loving and kind to me. But I do much better when I focus on Christ instead of on myself. It’s easier to dispel the discouragement when others don’t point out all the reason to be discouraged that you would have no trouble finding on your own. “I know you must get so lonely.” “Well, only once in a while, but thanks so much for reminding me.” ;-)
And speaking of lonely, it’s one of those achy days when I just want someone to talk to – someone intelligent and caring. And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way, for not being content with what God has given me. It’s not as though I’m ungrateful. That’s not it at all. There are just times when the silence seems so loud and overwhelming that it’s painful.
“Remember, it’s always all right to be honest with God and admit your longings. It’s even all right to tell Him how you intend to honor Him if He gives it. But you must also tell Him you love Him and will serve Him even if He sees fit to withhold this blessing. That’s the hard part.” ~PWD, in an email to me on Hannah
I admit it. There are times when I feel empty and completely left out of God’s program for family. Even though I really do ultimately want His will and what’s best for me … oh, how I long for a husband to share the burdens and joys of the Christian walk with. How I wish for the opportunity to have children to raise to love Christ as much as I do. I know there are all sorts of ways God can and does use me just the way I am. And I certainly don’t want to live in the land of self-pity, because there is nothing useful or Christ-honoring there.
Lord, take this longing of my heart and transform it into love and desire for You and Your Word. Give me grace to overcome when the sorrow and weight threaten to overwhelm me. You have promised never to leave or forsake me. You have promised to strengthen and uphold me, to be my Comforter. Fill my heart so completely with You that there is no room for anything more.
And speaking of lonely, it’s one of those achy days when I just want someone to talk to – someone intelligent and caring. And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way, for not being content with what God has given me. It’s not as though I’m ungrateful. That’s not it at all. There are just times when the silence seems so loud and overwhelming that it’s painful.
“Remember, it’s always all right to be honest with God and admit your longings. It’s even all right to tell Him how you intend to honor Him if He gives it. But you must also tell Him you love Him and will serve Him even if He sees fit to withhold this blessing. That’s the hard part.” ~PWD, in an email to me on Hannah
I admit it. There are times when I feel empty and completely left out of God’s program for family. Even though I really do ultimately want His will and what’s best for me … oh, how I long for a husband to share the burdens and joys of the Christian walk with. How I wish for the opportunity to have children to raise to love Christ as much as I do. I know there are all sorts of ways God can and does use me just the way I am. And I certainly don’t want to live in the land of self-pity, because there is nothing useful or Christ-honoring there.
Lord, take this longing of my heart and transform it into love and desire for You and Your Word. Give me grace to overcome when the sorrow and weight threaten to overwhelm me. You have promised never to leave or forsake me. You have promised to strengthen and uphold me, to be my Comforter. Fill my heart so completely with You that there is no room for anything more.
And I come to the final page in my current journal. It represents a little over four years of my life, although most of it covers only the last ten months or so. It's kind of amazing to contemplate. So many changes in my life! So many lessons God has taught me. It's hard for me to believe I'm already approaching 30, and yet sometimes I can't believe I'm still so young. Time does seem to fly these days, though. There is so much yet to do, and so much to learn.
It's lunchtime, so I'm soaking up a few moments of warm humidity before venturing back inside. After yesterday's turmoil, it's a blessing to enjoy a moment of peace and rest.
I have grown to love Wednesday evening services so much. Every week I look forward to them with such joyful anticipation. Tonight I prayed with one of the elderly ladies in my church. What a dear, precious woman she is. Listening to her talk to the Lord was just so encouraging to me, such a blessing. And she's so determined to encourage me. She didn't get married until she was 34, so she knows and understands that I get discouraged and lonely. She is always saying something uplifting to build me up, and I know she prays faithfully for me. What a gracious gift! She is so kind, such a sweet, godly example. Thank You, Lord, for her influence in my life.
Had a long talk with my coworker about church today, which was good. I do wish our congregation were bigger and had more young people. But more than that, I wish the ones we have would get excited about God's work in their lives. Where is the joy in our salvation? How I long for my church family to overflow with zeal for God's Word and to have a hunger to grow and to be used. I have to think that if only that were to change, the other so-called "problems" would attend to themselves. And the only thing I know to do about it is to pray earnestly and to be an example in my own Christian walk. I know I can't do anything to change people, but I can do what I should do and leave the rest in the Lord's hands. He is faithful!
It's lunchtime, so I'm soaking up a few moments of warm humidity before venturing back inside. After yesterday's turmoil, it's a blessing to enjoy a moment of peace and rest.
I have grown to love Wednesday evening services so much. Every week I look forward to them with such joyful anticipation. Tonight I prayed with one of the elderly ladies in my church. What a dear, precious woman she is. Listening to her talk to the Lord was just so encouraging to me, such a blessing. And she's so determined to encourage me. She didn't get married until she was 34, so she knows and understands that I get discouraged and lonely. She is always saying something uplifting to build me up, and I know she prays faithfully for me. What a gracious gift! She is so kind, such a sweet, godly example. Thank You, Lord, for her influence in my life.
Had a long talk with my coworker about church today, which was good. I do wish our congregation were bigger and had more young people. But more than that, I wish the ones we have would get excited about God's work in their lives. Where is the joy in our salvation? How I long for my church family to overflow with zeal for God's Word and to have a hunger to grow and to be used. I have to think that if only that were to change, the other so-called "problems" would attend to themselves. And the only thing I know to do about it is to pray earnestly and to be an example in my own Christian walk. I know I can't do anything to change people, but I can do what I should do and leave the rest in the Lord's hands. He is faithful!
It's late now, but I so want to get down the rest of my day. Work was bad, and I'm sure my emotional state didn't help matters any. I tried 2 or 3 times to call Pastor, but there was no answer at church. The last time I gave up and decided I was meant to handle tonight completely on my own, depending solely on the Lord. But still, I couldn't help feeling a little hurt that Pastor hadn't responded, even though I was sure there was a good reason. Between my frustration with work and the stress of two days of unfulfilled anticipation, I was an emotional wreck by the time I got home. I allotted myself 30 minutes to lie down because I knew I had stuff I needed to do before the study, but I was so strung out that I needed to rest and calm down a bit.
Then, about 5 minutes before my time was up, the phone rang. It was one of the girls, and she couldn't come because her husband had to work. No problem, though of course I'm always sad when someone can't come.
About 6:00 the phone rang again, and this time it was Pastor. His email to me had gone astray this morning, and he'd been out of town all day with his son car shopping, so he hadn't realized it until just then. He apologized all over himself; I was so relieved and grateful to know why he hadn't answered me that the answer itself almost didn't matter anymore. But it did, and when I read it, it really did help to put Hannah's prayer in a little clearer perspective for me. Frankly, a lot of it got better last night too. It's funny how in some ways my journey to understand her prayer mirrored her journey to making the prayer. God had to put both of us in the position of relying completely on Him and having nowhere else to turn before granting our requests.
After all that, I only had one person come to study tonight. But that was okay, and even good, because it gave us a chance to really share one-on-one. She seemed to genuinely enjoy being here and didn't seem awkward or uncomfortable about being the only one. The Lord is so gracious to me. I cannot comprehend such love that is willing to work so intricately in my life in order to sanctify me. I am so unworthy of such great love. Lord, You truly are my rock, my fortress, my strength, my song, my deliverer, my friend, my Father, my comforter.
Then, about 5 minutes before my time was up, the phone rang. It was one of the girls, and she couldn't come because her husband had to work. No problem, though of course I'm always sad when someone can't come.
About 6:00 the phone rang again, and this time it was Pastor. His email to me had gone astray this morning, and he'd been out of town all day with his son car shopping, so he hadn't realized it until just then. He apologized all over himself; I was so relieved and grateful to know why he hadn't answered me that the answer itself almost didn't matter anymore. But it did, and when I read it, it really did help to put Hannah's prayer in a little clearer perspective for me. Frankly, a lot of it got better last night too. It's funny how in some ways my journey to understand her prayer mirrored her journey to making the prayer. God had to put both of us in the position of relying completely on Him and having nowhere else to turn before granting our requests.
After all that, I only had one person come to study tonight. But that was okay, and even good, because it gave us a chance to really share one-on-one. She seemed to genuinely enjoy being here and didn't seem awkward or uncomfortable about being the only one. The Lord is so gracious to me. I cannot comprehend such love that is willing to work so intricately in my life in order to sanctify me. I am so unworthy of such great love. Lord, You truly are my rock, my fortress, my strength, my song, my deliverer, my friend, my Father, my comforter.
I get so wound up over these things. I think it's because there's so little else in my life to invest myself in emotionally. I'm torn over whether to call Pastor or not. I DO need to talk to him about something else, but that doesn't have to necessarily happen today. He obviously didn't realize that it was today's study I was struggling with. At least I seem to have found some semblance of purpose, even if I'm still confused by the whole mess.
And if that weren't enough to make me nervous, I'm thinking of asking to start playing piano on Wednesdays. I don't really think I'm good enough, but the only way I know to overcome the obstacle of correcting my mistakes is to actually accompany an audience. I just hate the prospect of falling apart in the middle while everyone stares and sings on without me. But our pianist needs help, and I'm willing to at least try to be that help. I just wish I were better at it.
And if that weren't enough to make me nervous, I'm thinking of asking to start playing piano on Wednesdays. I don't really think I'm good enough, but the only way I know to overcome the obstacle of correcting my mistakes is to actually accompany an audience. I just hate the prospect of falling apart in the middle while everyone stares and sings on without me. But our pianist needs help, and I'm willing to at least try to be that help. I just wish I were better at it.
It's evening, and now I'm really nervous about the study tomorrow. I haven't heard from Pastor at all today. I guess it's my own fault for not being further ahead with it, so that I could have asked him sooner. It's been such an overwhelming summer for their family. And I shouldn't rely on him so much anyway. Lord, I don't know what to do with the lesson tomorrow. Maybe You want me to do the lesson with confusion and frustration. Maybe I need to be vulnerable before these young women, to be bare-faced and open about how this story confounds me. Lord, I guess I should have prayed more and pondered more. Please, Lord, do not let this study fall apart because of my inadequacy. Forgive me for not being more diligent, for not spending more time in the Word and in prayer. Lord, empty me of my notions on the account and give me Your leading on what it means for me today. If there's a dimension I'm missing, please reveal it to me. I am so lost and confused. I don't want to teach this lesson in any wrong or negative way. I don't want to fail these girls -- or You. Please, Lord, work in my heart. Grant me wisdom and discernment. I can do nothing apart from Your grace and mercy. I am so feeble, yet so prideful. But there is nothing good in me. Almighty God, You are my strength; You have promised to strengthen, help, and uphold me with Your righteousness. Your promises are steadfast; they cannot fail. "Do good to your servant, O LORD, according to Your word." Oh Lord, help me!
Last night I told Pastor I had a Hannah question I wanted to ask him, so he told me to email it to him so he could take the time to give me a thorough answer. I kind of feel guilty bothering him with it. They're taking their son to college at the end of this week, and I know they're really busy. But hey, maybe he'll enjoy the chance to study something other than Ephesians, Acts, or Revelation. Anyway, now I wait with bated breath, hoping he won't think I'm awful for my questions. But he's a questioner himself, which is why I think I find it so easy to ask him things.
I'm worried about a friend of mine who wasn't in church last Sunday. It's hard to believe sometimes just how much heartache hides in some people's daily lives. As a Christian family, we are far too uninvolved with each other, I think. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to reach out and be available to each other. We're all these polite strangers with no concept of the pain and struggles each one is going through. I whine about lack of fellowship, but whom have I reached a hand to? We're all waiting for someone else to make the selfless gesture, to be the one who encourages us.
I'm worried about a friend of mine who wasn't in church last Sunday. It's hard to believe sometimes just how much heartache hides in some people's daily lives. As a Christian family, we are far too uninvolved with each other, I think. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to reach out and be available to each other. We're all these polite strangers with no concept of the pain and struggles each one is going through. I whine about lack of fellowship, but whom have I reached a hand to? We're all waiting for someone else to make the selfless gesture, to be the one who encourages us.
It's a rainy Sunday afternoon. It's perfect nap weather, but I'm not really sleepy. I've been playing piano, but the light is fading, and I don't want to bother with a lamp.
What a good, steady rain. I'm sure all the farmers are rejoicing. It's been nice to have a summer with plenty of rainfall for a change. A little inconvenient on a Sunday, but I guess we're spoiled. At least we have good shelter, and cars and umbrellas. It's so amazing how nature all works together in its cycles. How can anyone look at the world around us and believe it all just "happened"? The idea is so logically preposterous. Lord, Your ways are so perfect. I'm overwhelmed with awe of You. You made such a magnificent world for us to inhabit and enjoy. Forgive me for how often I take it for granted. Thank You for the reminder of Your power in the thunder and lightning, and of Your care and provision in the rain. Thank You for the blessing of sight, that I can sit at my window and watch the water overrun my gutters and pour down the street, that I can admire the spring green grass, the deeper green trees, and the smoky gray sky. Thank You for my hearing, that I can hear the puddles growing in the flower bed, the steady drum of rain on the tin chimney cover, the deeper thrum on the roof, the swish of wet traffic. Thank You for the rich, damp smell and feel that is the land's rejoicing in its refreshment. There are such bountiful gifts in Your creation. My words pale in comparison to the wonders with which You surround me each day. Never let me lose my appreciation of and joy in the simple things that fill my day with Your blessing.
What a good, steady rain. I'm sure all the farmers are rejoicing. It's been nice to have a summer with plenty of rainfall for a change. A little inconvenient on a Sunday, but I guess we're spoiled. At least we have good shelter, and cars and umbrellas. It's so amazing how nature all works together in its cycles. How can anyone look at the world around us and believe it all just "happened"? The idea is so logically preposterous. Lord, Your ways are so perfect. I'm overwhelmed with awe of You. You made such a magnificent world for us to inhabit and enjoy. Forgive me for how often I take it for granted. Thank You for the reminder of Your power in the thunder and lightning, and of Your care and provision in the rain. Thank You for the blessing of sight, that I can sit at my window and watch the water overrun my gutters and pour down the street, that I can admire the spring green grass, the deeper green trees, and the smoky gray sky. Thank You for my hearing, that I can hear the puddles growing in the flower bed, the steady drum of rain on the tin chimney cover, the deeper thrum on the roof, the swish of wet traffic. Thank You for the rich, damp smell and feel that is the land's rejoicing in its refreshment. There are such bountiful gifts in Your creation. My words pale in comparison to the wonders with which You surround me each day. Never let me lose my appreciation of and joy in the simple things that fill my day with Your blessing.
Oh, how I love Saturdays. I love the freedom to do the things I need to do, that I feel are important -- not the boss or the job. I'm doing laundry, I've practiced the piano, and now I'm having some devotions time. What a joy! I feel like I've wasted so much time over the last couple weeks; I need some quiet time with my Savior. It's been hard the last several nights becuase my back & leg have been hurting. Being able to do my devotions earlier today is helping, I think.
Okay, I'm digging through the first Hannah lesson now, and I'm stuck on her prayer. Am I supposed to take her "if/then" approach as a pattern for how I should bring my desires before God? "If You give me this, then I will do that with it for Your glory"? Is this a special case, or an example for me to follow? To me it smacks of foxhole prayer, of bargaining with God, trying to get Him to give me what I want. But I don't necessarily see where making a promise to God is unscriptural; vowing a vow to God is treated as a serious thing. But a conditional vow? He makes conditional promises; is that something we ought to do with Him? *sigh* I'm dying to ask Pastor for some insights, but I don't know if I should. I think I'll wait and see if an opportunity presents itself tomorrow at church and just mull over the question myself in the meantime.
What a nice day it has been. Aside from a lapse into TV late this afternoon (why DO I do that?), I've gotten a lot done and had a lovely alone day. I wouldn't have minded some fellowship, but alone was okay too, I guess. No, I KNOW it was good. It gave me real time to spend studying God's Word, not to mention practicing the piano and doing housework. And tomorrow is Sunday - my favorite! Which means, now that the last load of laundry is done, I should go to bed so I can get up on time in the morning!
Okay, I'm digging through the first Hannah lesson now, and I'm stuck on her prayer. Am I supposed to take her "if/then" approach as a pattern for how I should bring my desires before God? "If You give me this, then I will do that with it for Your glory"? Is this a special case, or an example for me to follow? To me it smacks of foxhole prayer, of bargaining with God, trying to get Him to give me what I want. But I don't necessarily see where making a promise to God is unscriptural; vowing a vow to God is treated as a serious thing. But a conditional vow? He makes conditional promises; is that something we ought to do with Him? *sigh* I'm dying to ask Pastor for some insights, but I don't know if I should. I think I'll wait and see if an opportunity presents itself tomorrow at church and just mull over the question myself in the meantime.
What a nice day it has been. Aside from a lapse into TV late this afternoon (why DO I do that?), I've gotten a lot done and had a lovely alone day. I wouldn't have minded some fellowship, but alone was okay too, I guess. No, I KNOW it was good. It gave me real time to spend studying God's Word, not to mention practicing the piano and doing housework. And tomorrow is Sunday - my favorite! Which means, now that the last load of laundry is done, I should go to bed so I can get up on time in the morning!
Lord, please keep me joyful. There are so many reasons for me to rejoice; keep those things uppermost in my heart and mind. Thank You that I can always rejoice in You, because You never change. Your grace is sufficient for my every need. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Help me to acknowledge my weaknesses and to surrender them to You to perfect. You are my refuge and my strength; I put my trust in You and You alone. Break me. Humble me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes for my life. Content me in circumstances that drive me crazy and threaten to mar my testimony. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees.
Lord, please change my attitude. It is so hard for me to be consistently joyful in the face of frustrating circumstances. I need to be more diligent, more compassionate and understanding. I shouldn't respond with such a bitter spirit when someone brings up their loved one's engagement ... again. Lord, You truly are all I need, but I confess, I want a companion. Teach me to be content with what You've given me and not to dwell on the aches when they come. Hide and shelter me under Your wings. Oh Lord, help me to truly rejoice in You, always, even when I'm lonely and frustrated.
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides You." Oh, make this a truth in my life!
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides You." Oh, make this a truth in my life!
Tonight I am weary and heart-sore. I am longing for the comfort of physical contact - read, I need a hug. I feel guilty for being sad when others around me have problems and burdens so much more profound than my own. But I am just aching for a good cry. The last four lessons in the Bible study are about Hannah, and I have no idea what to do with them. Lord, help!
Lunchtime at work, and I'm in my car enjoying the slightly-warm sun and the slightly-cool breeze. I have been so neglectful of my devotions and prayer life lately. It is so easy to get caught up once more in sci-fi and internet fandoms, not to mention turning on the TV and letting a DVD run all evening. Lord, break my heart over my preoccupation with vanity. Help me to use my time more wisely in ways that have eternal value. I know that when I behave this way my resistance to temptation is weakened. My flesh only wins when I allow it to by not turning to my Savior for refuge and support.
My cousin has been in the hospital and is having a rough time. She has Trisomy 13, which is hugely handicapping. She is seven years old and is blind, cannot walk, talk, or do anything for herself. Now she is suffering from pneumonia and vomiting uncontrolably. While it seems heartless, I do wish God would take her home - for her sake and the family's. She'd be in heaven, well, whole, and in His presence. The family would trade the joy of her presence and the burden of her care for the sorrow her absence would bring and the relief of knowing her suffering had been transformed into joy. But the Lord knows best, and I have to pray for His will, even in this. He'll take her when His purposes for her here are done. Meanwhile we hold fast to our confidence in His goodness and mercy to her - and to all of us.
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." ~ John 14:23
"Many Christians seem to think that the secret to intimacy with God is to constantly seek out emotionally charged encounters with God's presence. They believe that such encounters, if repeated often enough, can draw them into a place of consistent communion with Jesus through the Holy Spirit.
"Nothing could be farther from the truth. The manifestation of God's presence is wonderful, and when He reveals His presence to you, do not hesitate to embrace the experience. But He does not reveal Himself for no reason. Do not confuse these experiences with true intimacy. Intimacy with God comes only one way, and that is through obedience.
"Do you want to know God as He truly is? Then obey the Word. Obey the Word in the morning when you feel grumpy. Obey the Word at noon when you are hungry, and in the evening when you are tired. Commit yourself to obey Him regardless of how you feel, what you think, or what you want. When you do this, you will discover that you will not have to go searching for God's presence anymore. The Father will seek you out and reveal His love to you. God reveals His presence to anyone He chooses. But He only makes His home with those who obey Him."
~ Michael Warden, Alone with God
Lord, I still don't want to be on this trip. I want to be home and cozy in bed, with a week ahead of me to use to work and get caught up and not constantly feel as though I'm chasing time.
But I can see that even here You have so much to teach me. Lord, humble me and curb my tongue!
At the Sunday school fellowship last night, Pastor told me how his daughter had shared with him how much she was enjoying the Bible study and how it was exactly what she needed. I am honestly humbled and overwhelmed by the response it has gotten. Praise the Lord! I'm so grateful for His work in my life that supplied the burden and enabled me to be submissive to His purpose in it. And I'm grateful too for Pastor's thoughtfulness in passing on the encouragement to me.
I am such a fallen, wretched creature. I constantly fail to turn to my Father for the strength to be faithful and to overcome temptation. Sometimes I think I fall just to remind myself what I am before God Almighty. Lord, forgive my laziness, my lack of discipline and diligence, my self-absorption that destroys any hint of humility You intend to teach me. Cleanse me of the wickedness that so easily takes root in my heart. I long to please You with my life and actions! I want to be faithful, to be a picture of Your mercy and grace to those around me. I desire to be used, and usable! How can You use someone so weak and sinful as I? I fail You so often, though I hate it! How I wish I could banish evil desires from my heart! Oh my Lord, once again I fall at Your feet, beast that I am, and beg You to make me worthy of the grace, mercy, and love You continually bestow. I am surrounded by evidence of Your infinite love for me in spite of myself. How amazing that You could care for me. Cause me to lose myself in You. Oh Lord, make me nothing, empty of self and completely filled with You.
Today was ... a day. I'm not quite sure how to characterize it. Choir practice was ... okay. Once in a while I go through a phase where I just don't feel like singing, especially alto. At least the problem I was dealing with a few weeks ago seems to have subsided. The evening service was great, of course, but afterwards we practiced the ladies' ensemble, and my heart just wasn't in it. My joy in singing seems to have just drained out of me for now. Ironically, I seem to be obsessively playing the piano. Every time I have a chance I sit down and bang around for a while.
I can hear the rain falling outside the window and the distant sounds of wet traffic. The house is quiet, and I have drawn up inside myself nursing self-centered hurts and desires. Even surrounded by all the evidence of my Savior's loving care, I still want what I don't have. I am so very blessed. Why am I sad?
I can hear the rain falling outside the window and the distant sounds of wet traffic. The house is quiet, and I have drawn up inside myself nursing self-centered hurts and desires. Even surrounded by all the evidence of my Savior's loving care, I still want what I don't have. I am so very blessed. Why am I sad?
Why is it so hard to do the things I should do? One, no doubt my sin nature. Two, focusing on pleasing myself instead of pleasing my Savior. Those two points do a lot to cover it, I think. I need to learn to rely on the Lord for the will to do what pleases Him. It is my love for Christ that should inform my behavior and motivate me to diligence and faithfulness.
I am really finding myself in a new place over the past several months. I've been such a solitary person so far in my life. Until recently, that is. People have begun to actually talk to me, real conversations about life and issues and burdens and blessings. I honestly don't know what to do with it all or why it has seemed to come out of the blue. Has it been my determination to reach out more and be a blessing and encouragement that has borne fruit in others, or made me appear to be someone in whom they can confide? Is the Lord responding to my hunger for Him by drawing me closer to His children? It's all so complex and confounding, and sometimes I wonder if I don't make it more so with my constant mulling and musing over it. Faith as a little child, but grow in grace and in the knowledge of Christ. How do they mesh? How do they blend? I want to learn, to know, to grow! How do I reconcile striving forward with the joyful abandon and simplicity of childlike faith?
I am really finding myself in a new place over the past several months. I've been such a solitary person so far in my life. Until recently, that is. People have begun to actually talk to me, real conversations about life and issues and burdens and blessings. I honestly don't know what to do with it all or why it has seemed to come out of the blue. Has it been my determination to reach out more and be a blessing and encouragement that has borne fruit in others, or made me appear to be someone in whom they can confide? Is the Lord responding to my hunger for Him by drawing me closer to His children? It's all so complex and confounding, and sometimes I wonder if I don't make it more so with my constant mulling and musing over it. Faith as a little child, but grow in grace and in the knowledge of Christ. How do they mesh? How do they blend? I want to learn, to know, to grow! How do I reconcile striving forward with the joyful abandon and simplicity of childlike faith?
Last Sunday I played the piano for offertory, a hymn that I had arranged myself. Nothing fancy or profound, but something I did put a lot of my heart into. Now I don't know how I feel about it. I'm grateful and humbled at the number of people who've complimented it. But I'm frustrated at how few times I was able to respond by giving God the glory. It's so much easier to say "thank you," a little harder to say "I'm glad you enjoyed it." It seems nigh impossible to say "praise the Lord"! Why? Part of it comes back to pride -- wanting the praise for myself, yes, but also worrying that people will think the response is trite or affected. Lord, teach me to praise and glorify You in humility, in such a way that puts the attention off myself and on You. Still, I am glad I was able ... no, enabled ... to do an offertory that was a blessing to so many. Being used, even in such a small way, is a joy and blessing I cannot fully express. I just wish my horrid pride would stay out of it! I need to learn to be open and honest and to leave how that open honesty is perceived by others in the Lord's hands. Lord, keep my motivations for service completely about loving You, wanting to be obedient and faithful, loving my church family, and wanting to be used by You to be an encouragement and a blessing to them. Let others see Christ in me.
It feels like so long since I've had the time to make a journal entry, even though it's only been a few days. I'm feeling rather disconnected and disjointed; once again my devotions have been suffering. The Lord is going to have to do a work in tonight's Bible study, because I feel woefully unprepared. I need to get a jump on it this week before last-minute scrambling becomes a habit. Lord, I need You to take hold of me and drag me back into Your will and purpose. I need to remember to be diligent and faithful, and to depend wholly on You for the strength to do so.
Later...
Now it is evening, and Bible study is over. The Lord is SO gracious. In spite of my shorter prep, He was pleased to give us a real time of fellowship, learning, and encouragement. I bow in humble amazement at His goodness to me. I am exhausted, and yet so hungry for some quality prayer and study time. I have been so neglectful of my Savior lately. I simply must push other things aside and make Him a time priority once more. Lord, break me. Place me at Your feet where I belong. Please give me a hunger for Your Word and Your wisdom that supercedes all other concerns or interests.
Later...
Now it is evening, and Bible study is over. The Lord is SO gracious. In spite of my shorter prep, He was pleased to give us a real time of fellowship, learning, and encouragement. I bow in humble amazement at His goodness to me. I am exhausted, and yet so hungry for some quality prayer and study time. I have been so neglectful of my Savior lately. I simply must push other things aside and make Him a time priority once more. Lord, break me. Place me at Your feet where I belong. Please give me a hunger for Your Word and Your wisdom that supercedes all other concerns or interests.
The Lord seems to be continually pushing and prodding me. Bible study last night was overwhelming. The lesson was on prayer and ran a little longer than usual. But then, one of the girls stayed afterward just talking and sharing. It was at least 12:30 by the time she left. I was SO tired, but I just couldn't ask her to leave! She is going through SO MUCH heartache and has SO MUCH to bear! Her issues make my own seem so tiny in comparison. I have been richly, abundantly blessed in my life. My gratitude to the Lord knows no limit after last night's conversation.
But today, I am exhausted, not to mention a little overwhelmed and a lot humbled. All at once the Lord seems to be sending me opportunities to share with people, and for them to share with me. What am I that they feel comfortable opening up so much of their hearts to me? It is obviously something the Lord is doing, something He is trying to teach me. Oh Lord, help me to be a vessel You can use.
The Lord is so good to me, truly. I don't deserve such grace, such mercy, such overwhelming love. I am blessed in such a multitude of ways. What might have been a difficult conversation tonight went without a hint of tension. Praise the Lord for His grace to me.
My heart is so full tonight of such a mixture of emotion -- joy, sorrow, hope, weariness, humility, anguish... So many needs, so many hurts! I talked to my coworker this morning about how lately it seems people want to confide in me. He said it's because I'm non-threatening; I don't have a lot of the baggage of family, spouse, kids, that others seem to. I find that idea baffling. Why, when I lack so many of the experiences that they have had to go through, would people see me as a sympathetic confidant? I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming.
Tonight's question was not one of mine, but it was one the answer to which gives me enormous comfort. "Why do Christians have to suffer?" It all comes down to trust in the goodness of God. God is good because He says He is good. He is sovreign. He defines the terms. It's about trusting His statements as truth, even though our understanding of that truth is warped and incomplete because of our fallen, finite nature. How I wish I could explain it adequately and help others to understand it and receive comfort in it. God says our trials are for our ultimate good, and He assures us of His love in spite of how our circumstances make us feel here and now. If we could only get a glimpse of how truly brief our struggles are here in the light of eternity, and cling to the infinite grace that is ours in Christ, those struggles would indeed become a source of joy in that they drive us to cling to His heart.
But today, I am exhausted, not to mention a little overwhelmed and a lot humbled. All at once the Lord seems to be sending me opportunities to share with people, and for them to share with me. What am I that they feel comfortable opening up so much of their hearts to me? It is obviously something the Lord is doing, something He is trying to teach me. Oh Lord, help me to be a vessel You can use.
The Lord is so good to me, truly. I don't deserve such grace, such mercy, such overwhelming love. I am blessed in such a multitude of ways. What might have been a difficult conversation tonight went without a hint of tension. Praise the Lord for His grace to me.
My heart is so full tonight of such a mixture of emotion -- joy, sorrow, hope, weariness, humility, anguish... So many needs, so many hurts! I talked to my coworker this morning about how lately it seems people want to confide in me. He said it's because I'm non-threatening; I don't have a lot of the baggage of family, spouse, kids, that others seem to. I find that idea baffling. Why, when I lack so many of the experiences that they have had to go through, would people see me as a sympathetic confidant? I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming.
Tonight's question was not one of mine, but it was one the answer to which gives me enormous comfort. "Why do Christians have to suffer?" It all comes down to trust in the goodness of God. God is good because He says He is good. He is sovreign. He defines the terms. It's about trusting His statements as truth, even though our understanding of that truth is warped and incomplete because of our fallen, finite nature. How I wish I could explain it adequately and help others to understand it and receive comfort in it. God says our trials are for our ultimate good, and He assures us of His love in spite of how our circumstances make us feel here and now. If we could only get a glimpse of how truly brief our struggles are here in the light of eternity, and cling to the infinite grace that is ours in Christ, those struggles would indeed become a source of joy in that they drive us to cling to His heart.
Some days I am such an Israelite -- moaning and crying for what everyone else has instead of rejoicing in the riches God intends to give me because I am His child. Why is it so hard to rest in His loving plan?! Oh Lord, even in this You intend my good. It is all to mold and shape me into Your image. Give me the courage and strength to fight this longing for the thing You have not ordained to be. Enable me to enjoy the journey, to rejoice in the pain, to praise Your name in all things. All that matters is You.
I need to spend some serious time in prayer. How do people with families manage? It's the one consolation of singleness I never seem to get away from: I have more time to spend with God.
But today is Father's Day, and therefore a day of struggling to get past the ache and the longing to find joy in my Savior and His plans for me. The pain of having no husband to give me children must be something I am willing to give completely to God. "As Elisabeth Elliot reminds us, those unfulfilled longings can become 'material for sacrifice' -- they give us something to offer up to the One who gave up everything for us." ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Singled Out for Him.
But today is Father's Day, and therefore a day of struggling to get past the ache and the longing to find joy in my Savior and His plans for me. The pain of having no husband to give me children must be something I am willing to give completely to God. "As Elisabeth Elliot reminds us, those unfulfilled longings can become 'material for sacrifice' -- they give us something to offer up to the One who gave up everything for us." ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Singled Out for Him.
There is joy available in every moment of every day. If we can search for that joy, find it, and cling to it in the face of all sorrow, it becomes much easier to live victoriously. Cling to joy, because the believer's hope is certain! Nothing that we face here on this earth should be able to rob us of our eternal joy -- indeed, cannot do so unless we allow it. Be to others the very picture of Christ, for He is "in you, the hope of glory." You can be sad, tired, or worn, but never let it alter your joy!
"I love thee, Lord, but with no love of mine,
For I have none to give;
I love thee, Lord; but all the love is thine,
For by thy love I live.
I am as nothing, and rejoice to be
Emptied, and lost, and swallowed up in thee."
~Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening
For I have none to give;
I love thee, Lord; but all the love is thine,
For by thy love I live.
I am as nothing, and rejoice to be
Emptied, and lost, and swallowed up in thee."
~Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening
"Oh, to be emptier, lowlier,
Mean, unnoticed, and unknown,
And to God a vessel holier,
Filled with Christ, and Christ alone!"
~Andrew Murray, Humility
Mean, unnoticed, and unknown,
And to God a vessel holier,
Filled with Christ, and Christ alone!"
~Andrew Murray, Humility
Today has been a jumble -- a little bit of good, a little bit of bad, a little bit of glory, a little bit of failure. The Lord has to constantly remind me that I can't do it all in one day, and I'm incapable of ever learning it all. I feel I am constantly chasing time, grasping for the moments and hours when I can truly rest in God's presence and seek His face. There is so much to do, and so little time to learn, to dwell, to meditate. I wish I were better about getting up in the morning. If only I didn't need so much sleep, I could spend more time studying God's Word. There are those who do just fine on 5 or 6 hours a night. Unfortunately, I pretty much need the solid 8. It doesn't do any good to forcibly cut it short -- I only end up napping later and throwing off my schedule, making it even harder to get up in the morning.
But even when time is short, the Lord is so good to teach me. There is just SO MUCH TO LEARN! Truly, it never ends -- there are depths I haven't even begun to approach. The basics are rich enough to spend a lifetime pondering and pursuing. How infinite is God!
But even when time is short, the Lord is so good to teach me. There is just SO MUCH TO LEARN! Truly, it never ends -- there are depths I haven't even begun to approach. The basics are rich enough to spend a lifetime pondering and pursuing. How infinite is God!
How lovely is God's creation! I've taken a few moments of my lunchtime at work to sit in the front stairwell and gaze out the window. Blue sky -- just the perfect shade. Puffy white clouds, though no real threat of rain. Trees green with springtime growth -- grass too. The red and white of the brick building across the street, the symmetry of the hedges and flower beds. Even the gray/blue of the pavement. All sing the glory of a God Who loves order and beauty. And the clouds -- is it blasphemous to attribute whimsy to a sovreign, holy God of the universe? Here is joy -- the simplicity of perception, the meditation on God's wonders, His majesty, His glory, His expressions of beauty, design, grandeur. Here I can bask in His blessing and be content in His love that delights in giving good gifts to His children.
"The humble person feels no jealousy or envy. He can praise God when others are preferred and blessed before him. He can hear others praised and himself forgotten, because in God's presence he has learned to say with Paul, 'I am nothing.' He has received the spirit of Jesus, who pleased not Himself and sought not His own honor as the spirit of his life." ~Andrew Murray, Humility
"No jealousy or envy." How hard that is! I must confess to wonder at how anyone can possibly achieve true humility. Even praying for it is a focus on self, wanting my heart to be what God wants it to be. It makes my head spin if I think about it too much.
How I ache today. I want to talk to someone, and yet I don't, because I know it's a temporary satisfaction. I am so very alone. Christ surrounds me with His love, and my stubborn flesh pushes away, preferring to be miserable. Why do I respond this way? Why do I resist the Holy Spirit's encouragement? Today at work I simply could not pull out of the doldrums, and part of me didn't want to. I came home and fled into the oblivion of sleep. I know better, but I did it anyway. So I have accomplished next to nothing today.
Last Friday I went to visit my best friend. I'm glad I went, but a little sad too. Friday afternoon, my pastor's wife, also a dear friend, called and asked if I had plans for dinner. I was so sad that I did! Of all times to get an invitation! :( I go for weeks on end without anyone noticing I exist and with absolutely NO plans -- then two things come at once. I wish I could have gone. And yet, I almost feel guilty that the invitation itself made me so happy. The world would call it starved for attention. God calls it selfish pride.
I am in serious need of a source of pure, guilt-free joy.
"No jealousy or envy." How hard that is! I must confess to wonder at how anyone can possibly achieve true humility. Even praying for it is a focus on self, wanting my heart to be what God wants it to be. It makes my head spin if I think about it too much.
How I ache today. I want to talk to someone, and yet I don't, because I know it's a temporary satisfaction. I am so very alone. Christ surrounds me with His love, and my stubborn flesh pushes away, preferring to be miserable. Why do I respond this way? Why do I resist the Holy Spirit's encouragement? Today at work I simply could not pull out of the doldrums, and part of me didn't want to. I came home and fled into the oblivion of sleep. I know better, but I did it anyway. So I have accomplished next to nothing today.
Last Friday I went to visit my best friend. I'm glad I went, but a little sad too. Friday afternoon, my pastor's wife, also a dear friend, called and asked if I had plans for dinner. I was so sad that I did! Of all times to get an invitation! :( I go for weeks on end without anyone noticing I exist and with absolutely NO plans -- then two things come at once. I wish I could have gone. And yet, I almost feel guilty that the invitation itself made me so happy. The world would call it starved for attention. God calls it selfish pride.
I am in serious need of a source of pure, guilt-free joy.
Last night was so neat. I did my devotions pretty much like usual, then got into bed studying Psalm 119. It is such an amazing thing to quote Scripture as a prayer from one's own heart. I was so tired, but I was wide awake working on a couple new verses. But I knew I needed to turn out the light and go to sleep. So I did turn out the light. But sleep wouldn't come. I quoted some more for a while, then decided I was awake for a reason and began to pray. How humbling, to be kept from sleep because God wants you before His throne! I am just beginning to discover the sweetness of kneeling in prayer. For as long as I can remember, I have always prayed in whatever position was comfortable. But there is something about putting the body in a position of obeisance that helps to put the spirit there too. And so I prayed, long, but it didn't seem so long. I know myself well enough to know that late nights make for surly mornings, so I asked the Lord specifically to make sure I could wake up in the morning. And He did! I got up at 7:30, and I didn't have to drag myself out of bed to do it. He is so good! He constantly proves Himself faithful in every way. I wish I had a way of sharing such blessings and praising Him for them without sounding uber-spiritual, holier-than-thou. He teaches me so much, and there's no one to share it with!
I just read I Kings 19, and God was so gracious and kind to Elijah. "What are you doing here, Elijah?" "I am fleeing for my life." "But your life is in My hands, and I have more for you to do."
How gentle and encouraging! I am here for Your purposes, and as long as you want to us me, no other force can threaten me. And when my life has completed its purpose, then I get to dwell with You for all eternity. "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." :) We sing that song so glibly; I wonder if we truly grasp the meaning of what we're saying, and if we actually believe it. "To die is gain." "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." And to have a new body -- a new, un-fallen flesh that no longer yearns for sin and its own gratification! Oh, what a glorious day that will be!
It has been a rather discouraging week. I am going through another period of longing for someone to talk to. The people I know whom I love to talk with are also dangerous for me to reach out to. And those who are safe are also... unsatisfying. I also worry about pestering others. Everyone I want to talk to already has someone close to share these things with, and I feel like after a while I must get so annoying. I know the Lord is there, and He hears... and the "but" in my heart is followed by a rebuke in my spirit for Him not being enough. He IS enough; it is my own selfish discontent that wants human companionship. Why must my desire constantly grope beyond His love?
How gentle and encouraging! I am here for Your purposes, and as long as you want to us me, no other force can threaten me. And when my life has completed its purpose, then I get to dwell with You for all eternity. "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." :) We sing that song so glibly; I wonder if we truly grasp the meaning of what we're saying, and if we actually believe it. "To die is gain." "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." And to have a new body -- a new, un-fallen flesh that no longer yearns for sin and its own gratification! Oh, what a glorious day that will be!
It has been a rather discouraging week. I am going through another period of longing for someone to talk to. The people I know whom I love to talk with are also dangerous for me to reach out to. And those who are safe are also... unsatisfying. I also worry about pestering others. Everyone I want to talk to already has someone close to share these things with, and I feel like after a while I must get so annoying. I know the Lord is there, and He hears... and the "but" in my heart is followed by a rebuke in my spirit for Him not being enough. He IS enough; it is my own selfish discontent that wants human companionship. Why must my desire constantly grope beyond His love?
Oh God, I'm frightened of my self. I'm afraid of self-confidence. There is nothing good in me, nothing that can be trusted. My flesh betrays me at every turn, whether it be lust, laziness, or ever-present pride. Lord, help me to cling to You. Remove the confidence I'm tempted to have in myself and place it firmly on You where it belongs. Empty me. Humble me. There is nothing besides You. Nothing can compare to Your glory and grace. "Fear thou not, for I am..." I AM. He is, and that would be enough. But there's more. "...I am with thee. Be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Forgive my pretentious nature that wants to draw attention to myself to show off how "spiritual" I am and gain the approval of others. Make me as nondescript as a simple arrow -- nothing more than a pointer toward You. Make me disappear in the shadow of Christ's glory. My wicked heart yearns for human acknowledgement and approval. Purge my selfish motives; make them purely and completely about You and Your glory. I'm scared to death of the Bible study I'm to lead; help me not to draw attention to me, but rather to constantly point toward You.
My life has been ever so much Martha and ever so lacking in Mary lately. I don't think I've taken on too much; in every new responsibility I have sensed God's leading and prodding me. Now comes the hard part: surrendering myself to allow Him to use me. I simply cannot do all these things on my own. Lord, give me grace and enable me to diligently fulfill Your purposes.
But oh, in all this I have neglected my Mary heart. Communion, meditation, and worship have suffered to the point of starvation lately, and that invites temptation and weakens my resistance to sin. Break me, Lord. Humble me. Empty me of self. Make me a fit vessel for use in Your service. Cause me to yearn for communion with You. Restore my hunger for Your Word and knowledge of You. My heart is dry and barren; wash me anew with Your Spirit. Teach me to love You until my heart breaks with the joy of it. I am nothing. You are All. Help me to live in such a way that demonstrates I actually believe that.
I woke this morning from such an awful dream and sobbed into my pillow. I was inadequate in every area I approached, and the frustration and sorrow were overwhelming. So I began the day feeling inadequate, frustrated, and brokenhearted. Did I turn to my Lord for support? No, I wallowed, and revelled in the wallowing. There is something almost comforting, even gratifying, in self-pity. It's a form of pride, the "I deserve to be unhappy" complex. It's selfish. It's sinful. Focus on God, oh my soul, for in Him there is no want, no lack of mercy or comfort. He is all you need. All. ALL. ALL.
But oh, in all this I have neglected my Mary heart. Communion, meditation, and worship have suffered to the point of starvation lately, and that invites temptation and weakens my resistance to sin. Break me, Lord. Humble me. Empty me of self. Make me a fit vessel for use in Your service. Cause me to yearn for communion with You. Restore my hunger for Your Word and knowledge of You. My heart is dry and barren; wash me anew with Your Spirit. Teach me to love You until my heart breaks with the joy of it. I am nothing. You are All. Help me to live in such a way that demonstrates I actually believe that.
I woke this morning from such an awful dream and sobbed into my pillow. I was inadequate in every area I approached, and the frustration and sorrow were overwhelming. So I began the day feeling inadequate, frustrated, and brokenhearted. Did I turn to my Lord for support? No, I wallowed, and revelled in the wallowing. There is something almost comforting, even gratifying, in self-pity. It's a form of pride, the "I deserve to be unhappy" complex. It's selfish. It's sinful. Focus on God, oh my soul, for in Him there is no want, no lack of mercy or comfort. He is all you need. All. ALL. ALL.
Today, later in the afternoon, the Lord just seemed to impress me with the magnitude of His sacrifice for my sake. In that moment, disobedience and unfaithfulness were so abhorrent to me! I couldn't bear the thought of dishonoring my Savior by doing anything but my best to serve Him. Lord, please keep this idea firmly planted in the forefront of my thoughts. I hate how I constantly fail in diligence and faithfulness. Wake me in the morning with a sincere desire to honor You with my whole self in everything I do. Enable me to get up on time and to work on time. Give me joy in the opportunity each day to serve You more.
"Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders. My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law. I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws. I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD; do not let me be put to shame. I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." ~Psalm 119:27-32
Some of these verses have been just so meaningful to me as I've learned them. I love 10 & 11 -- they kind of define why I'm learning this psalm in the first place. And 18 -- I am continually finding something new and wonderful in God's law.
But 32 has been the best so far. (That almost sounds blasphemous! :) One verse being "better" than another.) It just so perfectly expresses what the Lord has been doing in my heart over the last months. "I run in the path of your commands..." Not "walk" or "follow," but RUN -- eagerly, headlong, joyfully pursuing God's Word and His will. "...for you have set my heart free." So much joy wrapped in one phrase! You set my heart free. It certainly wasn't my doing. My sinful heart wants to remain in bondage to sin. But Your Spirit reached down and gave me the capacity to desire freedom from sin. And my heart is free! Free from the dominion of evil, and free to pursue You with reckless abandon. What a marvelous truth! Such a glorious gift! How can I be anything but humbly grateful for the fact that You chose to set me free?! I will ever RUN after your commands!
"Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders. My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law. I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws. I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD; do not let me be put to shame. I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." ~Psalm 119:27-32
Some of these verses have been just so meaningful to me as I've learned them. I love 10 & 11 -- they kind of define why I'm learning this psalm in the first place. And 18 -- I am continually finding something new and wonderful in God's law.
But 32 has been the best so far. (That almost sounds blasphemous! :) One verse being "better" than another.) It just so perfectly expresses what the Lord has been doing in my heart over the last months. "I run in the path of your commands..." Not "walk" or "follow," but RUN -- eagerly, headlong, joyfully pursuing God's Word and His will. "...for you have set my heart free." So much joy wrapped in one phrase! You set my heart free. It certainly wasn't my doing. My sinful heart wants to remain in bondage to sin. But Your Spirit reached down and gave me the capacity to desire freedom from sin. And my heart is free! Free from the dominion of evil, and free to pursue You with reckless abandon. What a marvelous truth! Such a glorious gift! How can I be anything but humbly grateful for the fact that You chose to set me free?! I will ever RUN after your commands!
Psalm 34 was particularly dear to me today. Verse 13 -- "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile." -- I need that burned into my soul. Verses 17-19 -- "The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all."
Lord, I yearn to be what you would have me to be. Give me a heart broken over my sin. Make my spirit contrite and humble before You. Cause me to bow low in anguish, humility, and worship at Your feet. You are holy, while I am filthy. Cleanse me of my sin. Teach me true repentance; give me sorrow over my wretched nature and the things I do that are sinful and disobedient. Make me a meek, humble servant, empty of myself and eager to please You and obey You in EVERY area of my life -- which is not mine anyway, but Yours.
Lord, I yearn to be what you would have me to be. Give me a heart broken over my sin. Make my spirit contrite and humble before You. Cause me to bow low in anguish, humility, and worship at Your feet. You are holy, while I am filthy. Cleanse me of my sin. Teach me true repentance; give me sorrow over my wretched nature and the things I do that are sinful and disobedient. Make me a meek, humble servant, empty of myself and eager to please You and obey You in EVERY area of my life -- which is not mine anyway, but Yours.
"Most of us, and sometimes all of us, believe deep inside that God is satisfied with the level of righteousness we have attained. We think this way, largely because we know other believers whom we consider less righteous than we are. That amounts to trusting in ourselves that we are righteous, and despising others."
~ Paul W. Downey, More Than Spectators
~ Paul W. Downey, More Than Spectators
The Lord wants me single and highly available. I don't know why. My pride wants me to believe I have some great work to perform that can only be accomplished without the burden of husband or family. My self-pity tells me I'm alone because I'm not good enough to be a wife or mother, that I'm such a weak Christian that if I had it I'd just screw it up. But the Lord, He tells me He has a purpose for me, but that I must be completely empty of myself in order for Him to best use me. And that too, helps me in the loneliness. Because when I'm focused on His desires, my own fall into the background and are eventually replaced. Lord, You are the love of my life and the desire of my soul. Turn my heart ever after Your will, and eliminate anything from my life that distracts from Your purpose.
Everything was just WRONG yesterday. At times it seemed everyone was intent on badgering and making demands of me while deep inside me somewhere was a little voice whimpering in pain, exhaustion, and discouragement. Sometimes it's so hard to rely on God's strength. It's there for me; He knows I can accomplish nothing good on my own. But my flesh and my pride want to try -- so they can fail and then whine about their wounds and solicit the pity of others. The fact is, God has given me everything I need to accomplish the purposes He has set for me, but I must rely on His strength and grace to do it -- and THAT is where I constantly fail.
But today, everything is right. I've had three uplifting, challenging, inspiring messages from God's Word from men who seem to treat the Scripture with honesty, humility, and respect. I've enjoyed glimpses into the nature of God through beautiful music that honors Him. I've spent quiet, simple moments in communion and fellowship with my Savior. I even ran into Pastor, and we shared a chuckle over our mutual opinion of last night's speaker. Oh the riches available from God and His Word! They will never be exhausted, and I will never get enough!
But today, everything is right. I've had three uplifting, challenging, inspiring messages from God's Word from men who seem to treat the Scripture with honesty, humility, and respect. I've enjoyed glimpses into the nature of God through beautiful music that honors Him. I've spent quiet, simple moments in communion and fellowship with my Savior. I even ran into Pastor, and we shared a chuckle over our mutual opinion of last night's speaker. Oh the riches available from God and His Word! They will never be exhausted, and I will never get enough!
Help me to turn all my desire toward You and You alone. Give me grace to endure the lonely times, and teach me Your purpose. Fill my heart with love for You. Teach me humility; destroy my pride and help me to die to myself that I may live wholly and completely for You. You have blessed me in SO MANY ways; give me a thankful heart. Help me to focus on Your gifts instead of what I perceive as lacks. You have promised to supply all my needs. What I do not have, I do not need -- indeed, I need to not have it. Conform the desires of my heart to Your perfect, loving will, and give me the grace to be content there.
Psalm 73:21-26
"When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Lord, would You hold my hand? I see sweet couples all around me, hands clasped in the reassurance of companionship. They walk side by side, confident in each other's support, knowing that the strength of the one is there for the weakness of the other. Lord, will You be my companion? Would You walk by my side? Would You take my feeble hand in Your own and lead me down Your path? I don't want to go anywhere without You by my side. And my hand can accomplish nothing unless it is firmly placed in Yours. Would You be my strength, my comfort, my guardian, my friend?
Lord, may I hold Your hand?
"When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Lord, would You hold my hand? I see sweet couples all around me, hands clasped in the reassurance of companionship. They walk side by side, confident in each other's support, knowing that the strength of the one is there for the weakness of the other. Lord, will You be my companion? Would You walk by my side? Would You take my feeble hand in Your own and lead me down Your path? I don't want to go anywhere without You by my side. And my hand can accomplish nothing unless it is firmly placed in Yours. Would You be my strength, my comfort, my guardian, my friend?
Lord, may I hold Your hand?
"What would you do in the world without Him in the midst of its temptations and its cares? What would you do in the morning without Him when you wake up and face another day's battle? What would you do at night when you come home tired and weary, if there was no door of fellowship between you and Christ? He will not permit us to face one day without Him, for Jesus never forsakes His own." ~Charles Haddon Spurgeon
Sunday morning's service was so neat. Because we're in Acts, we're studying the beginnings of Paul's ministry. It's just extraordinary the journey the Lord took him through to be able to use him so mightily. And yet, how alone he must have felt, especially as a new convert. The apostles were mostly unlearned laymen. They must have been initially both suspicious of this Pharisee who was famed for his hatred of Christ's followers, as well as a bit jealous of and threatened by his scholarship and his success in other regions as a preacher of Christ. And he couldn't go back to his former colleagues and peers -- to them he was the ultimate traitor.
Paul strikes me as someone I could learn a lot from. I've been trying for so long to find some sort of "position" for myself as an unmarried female in God's overall pattern. There are instructions for parents, children, husbands, wives, pastors, deacons, widows... Where are the instructions for me? But it strikes me that Paul wasn't really any of those things either, and yet God used him so completely, and he never seemed to have any trouble knowing his purpose.
Paul strikes me as someone I could learn a lot from. I've been trying for so long to find some sort of "position" for myself as an unmarried female in God's overall pattern. There are instructions for parents, children, husbands, wives, pastors, deacons, widows... Where are the instructions for me? But it strikes me that Paul wasn't really any of those things either, and yet God used him so completely, and he never seemed to have any trouble knowing his purpose.
But all things have a purpose in the Lord's divine plan. There are lessons about dependence on God for my strength in these difficulties, and I pray the Lord will help me rejoice in the chance to learn more of how to lean on Him. I am so weak, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Lord, place a guard on my tongue and blinders on my eyes to anything but fulfilling my responsibilities diligently and faithfully. Please cause me to know when to speak and when to be silent. Let the words I speak be holy and kind. Give me compassion for those whose actions chafe my spirit and provoke me to react badly. Give me grace in exhaustion to have a smile on my face and Your joy in my heart. Make me teachable, pliable in Your loving hands. These events are happening for my ultimate good, even though I don't see it clearly, and NOTHING is beyond Your control.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God."
~ Psalm 43:5
Complete reliance upon God. I can do nothing good in my own strength. Lord, help me, enable me to rely wholly and completely on You. I am so very weak and sinful on my own. Keep my spirit close to Your heart, so that the moment I stray I am aware of it and run back to Your arms. Disobedience waits on every side; keep my focus on Your glory, Your purpose, Your strength, Your love. Oh, especially Your love. No one will ever love me as You do, my Redeemer. Broaden my heart and fill it with love for you. Teach me compassion, and give me Your love for your dear ones, my brothers and sisters in You. Remove my focus on my own hurts and give me Your heart for the pain and needs of others. Make me a faithful, JOYFUL servant where You've placed me!
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God."
~ Psalm 43:5
Complete reliance upon God. I can do nothing good in my own strength. Lord, help me, enable me to rely wholly and completely on You. I am so very weak and sinful on my own. Keep my spirit close to Your heart, so that the moment I stray I am aware of it and run back to Your arms. Disobedience waits on every side; keep my focus on Your glory, Your purpose, Your strength, Your love. Oh, especially Your love. No one will ever love me as You do, my Redeemer. Broaden my heart and fill it with love for you. Teach me compassion, and give me Your love for your dear ones, my brothers and sisters in You. Remove my focus on my own hurts and give me Your heart for the pain and needs of others. Make me a faithful, JOYFUL servant where You've placed me!
“Lord, help me to glorify Thee;
I am poor,
Help me to glorify Thee by contentment;
I am sick,
Help me to give Thee honour by patience;
I have talents,
Help me to extol Thee by spending them for Thee;
I have time,
Lord, help me to redeem it, that I may serve thee;
I have a heart to feel,
Lord, let that heart feel no love but Thine,
And glow with no flame but affection for Thee;
I have a head to think,
Lord, help me to think of Thee and for Thee;
Thou hast put me in this world for something,
Lord, show me what that is,
And help me to work out my life-purpose:
I cannot do much,
But as the widow put in her two mites, which were all her living,
So, Lord, I cast my time and eternity too into Thy treasury;
I am all Thine;
Take me, and enable me to glorify Thee now,
In all that I say,
In all that I do,
And with all that I have."
Charles Haddon Spurgeon
I am poor,
Help me to glorify Thee by contentment;
I am sick,
Help me to give Thee honour by patience;
I have talents,
Help me to extol Thee by spending them for Thee;
I have time,
Lord, help me to redeem it, that I may serve thee;
I have a heart to feel,
Lord, let that heart feel no love but Thine,
And glow with no flame but affection for Thee;
I have a head to think,
Lord, help me to think of Thee and for Thee;
Thou hast put me in this world for something,
Lord, show me what that is,
And help me to work out my life-purpose:
I cannot do much,
But as the widow put in her two mites, which were all her living,
So, Lord, I cast my time and eternity too into Thy treasury;
I am all Thine;
Take me, and enable me to glorify Thee now,
In all that I say,
In all that I do,
And with all that I have."
Charles Haddon Spurgeon
"Martha was cumbered about much serving. - Luke 10:40
Her fault was not that she served. Every Christian must become a servant. 'I serve' should be the motto of all the princes of the royal family of heaven. Nor was it her fault that she had 'much serving.' We cannot do too much. Let our head and heart and hands be engaged in the Master's service. It was no fault of hers that she was busy preparing a feast for the Master. Martha was happy to have an opportunity to entertain her honorable Guest. Her fault was that she grew 'cumbered with much serving,' so that she forgot Him and only remembered the service. She allowed service to override communion and so presented one duty darkened by the neglect of another. We ought to be Martha and Mary in one. We should do much service and have much communion at the same time. For this we need great grace. It is easier to serve than to commune. ... The more spiritual the exercise, the sooner we tire of it. The choicest fruits are the hardest to grow. The most heavenly graces are the most difficult to cultivate. While we do not neglect external things which are good in themselves, we should also enjoy living, personal fellowship with Jesus. See to it that sitting at the Savior's feet is not neglected, even though it may be under the deceptive pretext of doing service for Him. The first thing for our soul's health, for His glory, and for our own usefulness is to keep ourselves in constant communion with the Lord Jesus. We must see that the vital spirituality of our faith is maintained above everything else in the world." ~Charles Haddon Spurgeon
Her fault was not that she served. Every Christian must become a servant. 'I serve' should be the motto of all the princes of the royal family of heaven. Nor was it her fault that she had 'much serving.' We cannot do too much. Let our head and heart and hands be engaged in the Master's service. It was no fault of hers that she was busy preparing a feast for the Master. Martha was happy to have an opportunity to entertain her honorable Guest. Her fault was that she grew 'cumbered with much serving,' so that she forgot Him and only remembered the service. She allowed service to override communion and so presented one duty darkened by the neglect of another. We ought to be Martha and Mary in one. We should do much service and have much communion at the same time. For this we need great grace. It is easier to serve than to commune. ... The more spiritual the exercise, the sooner we tire of it. The choicest fruits are the hardest to grow. The most heavenly graces are the most difficult to cultivate. While we do not neglect external things which are good in themselves, we should also enjoy living, personal fellowship with Jesus. See to it that sitting at the Savior's feet is not neglected, even though it may be under the deceptive pretext of doing service for Him. The first thing for our soul's health, for His glory, and for our own usefulness is to keep ourselves in constant communion with the Lord Jesus. We must see that the vital spirituality of our faith is maintained above everything else in the world." ~Charles Haddon Spurgeon
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