Today has been a jumble -- a little bit of good, a little bit of bad, a little bit of glory, a little bit of failure. The Lord has to constantly remind me that I can't do it all in one day, and I'm incapable of ever learning it all. I feel I am constantly chasing time, grasping for the moments and hours when I can truly rest in God's presence and seek His face. There is so much to do, and so little time to learn, to dwell, to meditate. I wish I were better about getting up in the morning. If only I didn't need so much sleep, I could spend more time studying God's Word. There are those who do just fine on 5 or 6 hours a night. Unfortunately, I pretty much need the solid 8. It doesn't do any good to forcibly cut it short -- I only end up napping later and throwing off my schedule, making it even harder to get up in the morning.
But even when time is short, the Lord is so good to teach me. There is just SO MUCH TO LEARN! Truly, it never ends -- there are depths I haven't even begun to approach. The basics are rich enough to spend a lifetime pondering and pursuing. How infinite is God!
How lovely is God's creation! I've taken a few moments of my lunchtime at work to sit in the front stairwell and gaze out the window. Blue sky -- just the perfect shade. Puffy white clouds, though no real threat of rain. Trees green with springtime growth -- grass too. The red and white of the brick building across the street, the symmetry of the hedges and flower beds. Even the gray/blue of the pavement. All sing the glory of a God Who loves order and beauty. And the clouds -- is it blasphemous to attribute whimsy to a sovreign, holy God of the universe? Here is joy -- the simplicity of perception, the meditation on God's wonders, His majesty, His glory, His expressions of beauty, design, grandeur. Here I can bask in His blessing and be content in His love that delights in giving good gifts to His children.
"The humble person feels no jealousy or envy. He can praise God when others are preferred and blessed before him. He can hear others praised and himself forgotten, because in God's presence he has learned to say with Paul, 'I am nothing.' He has received the spirit of Jesus, who pleased not Himself and sought not His own honor as the spirit of his life." ~Andrew Murray, Humility
"No jealousy or envy." How hard that is! I must confess to wonder at how anyone can possibly achieve true humility. Even praying for it is a focus on self, wanting my heart to be what God wants it to be. It makes my head spin if I think about it too much.
How I ache today. I want to talk to someone, and yet I don't, because I know it's a temporary satisfaction. I am so very alone. Christ surrounds me with His love, and my stubborn flesh pushes away, preferring to be miserable. Why do I respond this way? Why do I resist the Holy Spirit's encouragement? Today at work I simply could not pull out of the doldrums, and part of me didn't want to. I came home and fled into the oblivion of sleep. I know better, but I did it anyway. So I have accomplished next to nothing today.
Last Friday I went to visit my best friend. I'm glad I went, but a little sad too. Friday afternoon, my pastor's wife, also a dear friend, called and asked if I had plans for dinner. I was so sad that I did! Of all times to get an invitation! :( I go for weeks on end without anyone noticing I exist and with absolutely NO plans -- then two things come at once. I wish I could have gone. And yet, I almost feel guilty that the invitation itself made me so happy. The world would call it starved for attention. God calls it selfish pride.
I am in serious need of a source of pure, guilt-free joy.
"No jealousy or envy." How hard that is! I must confess to wonder at how anyone can possibly achieve true humility. Even praying for it is a focus on self, wanting my heart to be what God wants it to be. It makes my head spin if I think about it too much.
How I ache today. I want to talk to someone, and yet I don't, because I know it's a temporary satisfaction. I am so very alone. Christ surrounds me with His love, and my stubborn flesh pushes away, preferring to be miserable. Why do I respond this way? Why do I resist the Holy Spirit's encouragement? Today at work I simply could not pull out of the doldrums, and part of me didn't want to. I came home and fled into the oblivion of sleep. I know better, but I did it anyway. So I have accomplished next to nothing today.
Last Friday I went to visit my best friend. I'm glad I went, but a little sad too. Friday afternoon, my pastor's wife, also a dear friend, called and asked if I had plans for dinner. I was so sad that I did! Of all times to get an invitation! :( I go for weeks on end without anyone noticing I exist and with absolutely NO plans -- then two things come at once. I wish I could have gone. And yet, I almost feel guilty that the invitation itself made me so happy. The world would call it starved for attention. God calls it selfish pride.
I am in serious need of a source of pure, guilt-free joy.
Last night was so neat. I did my devotions pretty much like usual, then got into bed studying Psalm 119. It is such an amazing thing to quote Scripture as a prayer from one's own heart. I was so tired, but I was wide awake working on a couple new verses. But I knew I needed to turn out the light and go to sleep. So I did turn out the light. But sleep wouldn't come. I quoted some more for a while, then decided I was awake for a reason and began to pray. How humbling, to be kept from sleep because God wants you before His throne! I am just beginning to discover the sweetness of kneeling in prayer. For as long as I can remember, I have always prayed in whatever position was comfortable. But there is something about putting the body in a position of obeisance that helps to put the spirit there too. And so I prayed, long, but it didn't seem so long. I know myself well enough to know that late nights make for surly mornings, so I asked the Lord specifically to make sure I could wake up in the morning. And He did! I got up at 7:30, and I didn't have to drag myself out of bed to do it. He is so good! He constantly proves Himself faithful in every way. I wish I had a way of sharing such blessings and praising Him for them without sounding uber-spiritual, holier-than-thou. He teaches me so much, and there's no one to share it with!
I just read I Kings 19, and God was so gracious and kind to Elijah. "What are you doing here, Elijah?" "I am fleeing for my life." "But your life is in My hands, and I have more for you to do."
How gentle and encouraging! I am here for Your purposes, and as long as you want to us me, no other force can threaten me. And when my life has completed its purpose, then I get to dwell with You for all eternity. "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." :) We sing that song so glibly; I wonder if we truly grasp the meaning of what we're saying, and if we actually believe it. "To die is gain." "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." And to have a new body -- a new, un-fallen flesh that no longer yearns for sin and its own gratification! Oh, what a glorious day that will be!
It has been a rather discouraging week. I am going through another period of longing for someone to talk to. The people I know whom I love to talk with are also dangerous for me to reach out to. And those who are safe are also... unsatisfying. I also worry about pestering others. Everyone I want to talk to already has someone close to share these things with, and I feel like after a while I must get so annoying. I know the Lord is there, and He hears... and the "but" in my heart is followed by a rebuke in my spirit for Him not being enough. He IS enough; it is my own selfish discontent that wants human companionship. Why must my desire constantly grope beyond His love?
How gentle and encouraging! I am here for Your purposes, and as long as you want to us me, no other force can threaten me. And when my life has completed its purpose, then I get to dwell with You for all eternity. "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." :) We sing that song so glibly; I wonder if we truly grasp the meaning of what we're saying, and if we actually believe it. "To die is gain." "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." And to have a new body -- a new, un-fallen flesh that no longer yearns for sin and its own gratification! Oh, what a glorious day that will be!
It has been a rather discouraging week. I am going through another period of longing for someone to talk to. The people I know whom I love to talk with are also dangerous for me to reach out to. And those who are safe are also... unsatisfying. I also worry about pestering others. Everyone I want to talk to already has someone close to share these things with, and I feel like after a while I must get so annoying. I know the Lord is there, and He hears... and the "but" in my heart is followed by a rebuke in my spirit for Him not being enough. He IS enough; it is my own selfish discontent that wants human companionship. Why must my desire constantly grope beyond His love?
Oh God, I'm frightened of my self. I'm afraid of self-confidence. There is nothing good in me, nothing that can be trusted. My flesh betrays me at every turn, whether it be lust, laziness, or ever-present pride. Lord, help me to cling to You. Remove the confidence I'm tempted to have in myself and place it firmly on You where it belongs. Empty me. Humble me. There is nothing besides You. Nothing can compare to Your glory and grace. "Fear thou not, for I am..." I AM. He is, and that would be enough. But there's more. "...I am with thee. Be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Forgive my pretentious nature that wants to draw attention to myself to show off how "spiritual" I am and gain the approval of others. Make me as nondescript as a simple arrow -- nothing more than a pointer toward You. Make me disappear in the shadow of Christ's glory. My wicked heart yearns for human acknowledgement and approval. Purge my selfish motives; make them purely and completely about You and Your glory. I'm scared to death of the Bible study I'm to lead; help me not to draw attention to me, but rather to constantly point toward You.
My life has been ever so much Martha and ever so lacking in Mary lately. I don't think I've taken on too much; in every new responsibility I have sensed God's leading and prodding me. Now comes the hard part: surrendering myself to allow Him to use me. I simply cannot do all these things on my own. Lord, give me grace and enable me to diligently fulfill Your purposes.
But oh, in all this I have neglected my Mary heart. Communion, meditation, and worship have suffered to the point of starvation lately, and that invites temptation and weakens my resistance to sin. Break me, Lord. Humble me. Empty me of self. Make me a fit vessel for use in Your service. Cause me to yearn for communion with You. Restore my hunger for Your Word and knowledge of You. My heart is dry and barren; wash me anew with Your Spirit. Teach me to love You until my heart breaks with the joy of it. I am nothing. You are All. Help me to live in such a way that demonstrates I actually believe that.
I woke this morning from such an awful dream and sobbed into my pillow. I was inadequate in every area I approached, and the frustration and sorrow were overwhelming. So I began the day feeling inadequate, frustrated, and brokenhearted. Did I turn to my Lord for support? No, I wallowed, and revelled in the wallowing. There is something almost comforting, even gratifying, in self-pity. It's a form of pride, the "I deserve to be unhappy" complex. It's selfish. It's sinful. Focus on God, oh my soul, for in Him there is no want, no lack of mercy or comfort. He is all you need. All. ALL. ALL.
But oh, in all this I have neglected my Mary heart. Communion, meditation, and worship have suffered to the point of starvation lately, and that invites temptation and weakens my resistance to sin. Break me, Lord. Humble me. Empty me of self. Make me a fit vessel for use in Your service. Cause me to yearn for communion with You. Restore my hunger for Your Word and knowledge of You. My heart is dry and barren; wash me anew with Your Spirit. Teach me to love You until my heart breaks with the joy of it. I am nothing. You are All. Help me to live in such a way that demonstrates I actually believe that.
I woke this morning from such an awful dream and sobbed into my pillow. I was inadequate in every area I approached, and the frustration and sorrow were overwhelming. So I began the day feeling inadequate, frustrated, and brokenhearted. Did I turn to my Lord for support? No, I wallowed, and revelled in the wallowing. There is something almost comforting, even gratifying, in self-pity. It's a form of pride, the "I deserve to be unhappy" complex. It's selfish. It's sinful. Focus on God, oh my soul, for in Him there is no want, no lack of mercy or comfort. He is all you need. All. ALL. ALL.
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