Last night was so sweet. Near the end of the workday I was just about to pull my hair out with loneliness and desire for conversation. So finally I just rattled off a mainly incoherent email to my best friend. It wasn't long before she IM'ed me, then called me, and it was just so sweet of her to do that. I really was feeling rather nutty and cabin feverish yesterday, and we just had a nice long conversation about me dealing with being lonely and her dealing with wanting and not wanting to be pregnant, and how be both are learning how to lean on the Lord through it all. It was a great encouragement, and something I desperately needed.
Blissful quiet. Seems funny to think of the traffic noises both inside and outside as "quiet," but compared to the office, this white noise is nothing. The wind is blowing as the remnants of hurricane Katrina drift over our heads in clumps of cottony white gauze. The sun is shining, and the breeze is brisk and warm. How I'd love to go out and just bask in the wind and the sunshine. I'll simply have to content myself with gazing through the window instead.
With each bit of wind the tree outside seems to squirm and tremble with glee, like a ticklish toddler. All creation praises the Lord. I wonder if a tree rejoices in being and doing exactly what it was created for. "I will stand here, tall and strong, and proclaim just by my existence the power, majesty, and glory of my Creator. His wind will sing through my branches, and my leaves will rustle their praise. I will soak up the sunlight and the rain, both of them gifts necessary for my growth. And when the time comes, I will surrender this life for whatever purpose I have next to serve."
Huh. Lessons from a tree and a puff of wind, to be what I was created to be - a glory to my God. To accept the changes in my "weather" all as gifts to make me grow. To anticipate death as the fulfillment of His ultimate purpose for me.
With each bit of wind the tree outside seems to squirm and tremble with glee, like a ticklish toddler. All creation praises the Lord. I wonder if a tree rejoices in being and doing exactly what it was created for. "I will stand here, tall and strong, and proclaim just by my existence the power, majesty, and glory of my Creator. His wind will sing through my branches, and my leaves will rustle their praise. I will soak up the sunlight and the rain, both of them gifts necessary for my growth. And when the time comes, I will surrender this life for whatever purpose I have next to serve."
Huh. Lessons from a tree and a puff of wind, to be what I was created to be - a glory to my God. To accept the changes in my "weather" all as gifts to make me grow. To anticipate death as the fulfillment of His ultimate purpose for me.
So glad last night is over with. Perhaps now I can move beyond the depressing frame of mind that has tormented me off and on for the last week. Last night was just awful, and yet in some ways it was a relief to just let it all out, put it all down, and move on.
Now there is so much to do before Thursday, and I'm bound to be exhausted for most of it. But somehow, struggling my way through mere physical discomfort doesn't seem so bad when my spirit is in the right place. With joy in serving Christ I can persevere to get done the things He has for me.
I have been so obsessed with my coming birthday, and I need to just let it go. It's not that I care one whit about turning 30 (well, maybe a tiny whit ;-), but I keep imagining and hoping for some kind of big party, and I just know I'm working myself up for a disappointment. No one is going to throw me a party, and I don't need one. Yeah, I really want one, but daydreaming about it will only lead to a great big letdown. I need to just PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!
Now there is so much to do before Thursday, and I'm bound to be exhausted for most of it. But somehow, struggling my way through mere physical discomfort doesn't seem so bad when my spirit is in the right place. With joy in serving Christ I can persevere to get done the things He has for me.
I have been so obsessed with my coming birthday, and I need to just let it go. It's not that I care one whit about turning 30 (well, maybe a tiny whit ;-), but I keep imagining and hoping for some kind of big party, and I just know I'm working myself up for a disappointment. No one is going to throw me a party, and I don't need one. Yeah, I really want one, but daydreaming about it will only lead to a great big letdown. I need to just PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!
I have landed here at the end of the day in a sea of loneliness and pain. I tried so hard today to reach out to others and be an encouragement, to be genuinely interested in the needs and concerns of those around me. I had several conversations with lots of different people ... but no one, NOT ONE PERSON showed any interest in me. I know it should not bother me. I should not let it hurt me, an dmost of the time I can be victorious over the self-absorption that longs for some personal attention. But today I am fighting my own chemistry and already lonely beyond description. There is no one to talk to. I know they care, and they often show it in such lovely ways. But I just really wanted it today, and it wasn't there.
I am so heart-wrenchingly lonely. It is an actual physical pain somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. I wanted badly to be able to rejoice in the message tonight and get my focus off myself. But no, the pain was determined to stay. Lord, I feel so left out, so left behind. Oh, forgive me! I know I should be satisfied and content, but tonight I'm not! I am empty and lost and utterly heartbroken. Why isn't Your love enough? All I can do is pray that You will make it so. My heart is filled with envy and longings that creep in from every side like kudzu and threaten to suffocate the joy and contentment You offer to Your children. Lord, you know the desire of my heart. A husband is a good gift you are pleased to give most young women. I know you have a perfect plan for me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes joyfully and selflessly.... So very alone...
I am so heart-wrenchingly lonely. It is an actual physical pain somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. I wanted badly to be able to rejoice in the message tonight and get my focus off myself. But no, the pain was determined to stay. Lord, I feel so left out, so left behind. Oh, forgive me! I know I should be satisfied and content, but tonight I'm not! I am empty and lost and utterly heartbroken. Why isn't Your love enough? All I can do is pray that You will make it so. My heart is filled with envy and longings that creep in from every side like kudzu and threaten to suffocate the joy and contentment You offer to Your children. Lord, you know the desire of my heart. A husband is a good gift you are pleased to give most young women. I know you have a perfect plan for me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes joyfully and selflessly.... So very alone...
"Knowledge is everywhere encouraged in the Bible; our best interests are interwoven with it; and the spirituality of our minds, and the real enjoyment of our lives, depend upon its increase. Grace and peace are multiplied through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.
"Nor is it necessary for our own sakes only, but for the sake of others. It is a great encouragement to Christian ministers when those whom they teach possess a good understanding in the things of God. Indeed, none but those who are engaged in the work of teaching can tell how much the ardor of the mind is damped by the contrary. ...
"As the powers of created beings are limited, and no one can expect to understand every thing, it is the province of wisdom to select those kinds of knowledge, as the objects of our pursuit, which are most valuable and of the greatest utility. There are some depths, of which it is our honor and felicity to be ignorant; and even in things which are lawful, we may, in numberless instances, very well be excused, if not in wholly neglecting, yet in possessing only a general acquaintance with them. But Divine truth requires not only to be known, but well known; it is not only necessary that we have sentiments, and right sentiments, but that we enter deeply into them. Everything pertaining to God is great, and requires all our powers. In whatever we indulge indifference, there is no room for it here; God requires not only all our heart but all our mind and strength. ... To be contented with a superficial acquaintance with Divine things implies disrespect to Him who has revealed them. ... [F]or in proportion as we love God, his word will dwell richly in us. It will be our bosom companion, to which we shall have recourse on every occasion; especially in seasons of leisure, when the mind, like a spring from which pressure is removed, rises to its natural position. ...
"In times of apostasy from the truth, Christians are exhorted to be steadfast. But a steadfast adherence to truth requires that we be rooted and grounded in it. ...
"The circulation of doctrines pleasing to corrupt nature will prove men to be what they are. They are the fan in Christ's hand, by which he will thoroughly purge his floor. That light-minded professors of religion should be carried away with them, is no more a matter of surprise than that chaff should be carried away by the wind; but how is it that those of whom we would hope better things are often shaken?
"If a minister, in almost any congregation, should relinquish truth, and fall into the grossest errors, unless he had so conducted himself as to have gained little or no esteem among the people, he is seldom known to go off alone: sometimes half a congregation, and sometimes more, have been known to follow him, or, at least, to be greatly unhinged for a considerable time. ...
"How are these things to be accounted for? I conceive the principal reason is, that Christians content themselves with a superficial knowledge of Divine things. Great numbers, from a dislike to controversy, will never take any pains to understand the difference between one set of religious principles and another. They have no desire to enable themselves to distinguish between true and false reasonings. They are too apt to take it for granted that what they have imbibed is truth, and that nothing can be advanced, with the least color of reason, for the contrary: when, therefore, an argument appears with a little plausibility on its face, it has only to obtain a reading or a hearing, and their assent is gained. Brethren, let shame, if nothing else, provoke us, that we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. Let us be concerned, not obstinately to adhere to our present sentiments, be they what they may, but to know the mind of God in his word; and, knowing it, let us steadfastly adhere to it.
"Let us not presume on our own firmness, but put on the whole armour of God, that we may withstand in the evil day. The first thing required in this Divine accoutrement is, that our loins be girt about with truth; but truth will not prove as a girdle to our loins in the day of battle, except we be deeply and intimately acquainted with it."
~ Andrew Fuller, from a sermon condensed by Dr. Mark Minnick and printed in Frontline Magazine, July/August, 2005
"Nor is it necessary for our own sakes only, but for the sake of others. It is a great encouragement to Christian ministers when those whom they teach possess a good understanding in the things of God. Indeed, none but those who are engaged in the work of teaching can tell how much the ardor of the mind is damped by the contrary. ...
"As the powers of created beings are limited, and no one can expect to understand every thing, it is the province of wisdom to select those kinds of knowledge, as the objects of our pursuit, which are most valuable and of the greatest utility. There are some depths, of which it is our honor and felicity to be ignorant; and even in things which are lawful, we may, in numberless instances, very well be excused, if not in wholly neglecting, yet in possessing only a general acquaintance with them. But Divine truth requires not only to be known, but well known; it is not only necessary that we have sentiments, and right sentiments, but that we enter deeply into them. Everything pertaining to God is great, and requires all our powers. In whatever we indulge indifference, there is no room for it here; God requires not only all our heart but all our mind and strength. ... To be contented with a superficial acquaintance with Divine things implies disrespect to Him who has revealed them. ... [F]or in proportion as we love God, his word will dwell richly in us. It will be our bosom companion, to which we shall have recourse on every occasion; especially in seasons of leisure, when the mind, like a spring from which pressure is removed, rises to its natural position. ...
"In times of apostasy from the truth, Christians are exhorted to be steadfast. But a steadfast adherence to truth requires that we be rooted and grounded in it. ...
"The circulation of doctrines pleasing to corrupt nature will prove men to be what they are. They are the fan in Christ's hand, by which he will thoroughly purge his floor. That light-minded professors of religion should be carried away with them, is no more a matter of surprise than that chaff should be carried away by the wind; but how is it that those of whom we would hope better things are often shaken?
"If a minister, in almost any congregation, should relinquish truth, and fall into the grossest errors, unless he had so conducted himself as to have gained little or no esteem among the people, he is seldom known to go off alone: sometimes half a congregation, and sometimes more, have been known to follow him, or, at least, to be greatly unhinged for a considerable time. ...
"How are these things to be accounted for? I conceive the principal reason is, that Christians content themselves with a superficial knowledge of Divine things. Great numbers, from a dislike to controversy, will never take any pains to understand the difference between one set of religious principles and another. They have no desire to enable themselves to distinguish between true and false reasonings. They are too apt to take it for granted that what they have imbibed is truth, and that nothing can be advanced, with the least color of reason, for the contrary: when, therefore, an argument appears with a little plausibility on its face, it has only to obtain a reading or a hearing, and their assent is gained. Brethren, let shame, if nothing else, provoke us, that we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. Let us be concerned, not obstinately to adhere to our present sentiments, be they what they may, but to know the mind of God in his word; and, knowing it, let us steadfastly adhere to it.
"Let us not presume on our own firmness, but put on the whole armour of God, that we may withstand in the evil day. The first thing required in this Divine accoutrement is, that our loins be girt about with truth; but truth will not prove as a girdle to our loins in the day of battle, except we be deeply and intimately acquainted with it."
~ Andrew Fuller, from a sermon condensed by Dr. Mark Minnick and printed in Frontline Magazine, July/August, 2005
What a nice day it has been. I have no trouble getting up early when the reason is church work and fellowship. If only I could find some way to transfer that to the weekday! I left the house a little after 8:00 and stopped at Burger King for breakfast. I read the neatest sermon in Frontline Magazine while I ate; it's funny how being reminded of some truths can make me almost gleeful with joy in the Lord. Then I went over to church for the work day. It was so rewarding to be able to clean and straighten and dispose and just generally improve things. My Sunday school room feels almost normal again. I got rid of a lot of old junk, and Mama took a box of stuff to Goodwill. All the boards and posters got put back on the walls, and everything cleaned and vacuumed and pruned and weeded - and oh! They cut down that horrid apple tree! It was a lovely day. Finally wrapped up about 2:30, came home, took a shower, and *hangs head* took a nap. It did feel good to get some rest, though. I hope I can still sleep tonight. I'm still comfortably tired, so we'll see how it goes.
I've been looking out my living room window and watching with fascination as a spider appears to crawl through thin air. It is rebuilding a web that I have torn down more than once due to its proximity to my front door. It's been demolished one or two other times by other means. I can't help but admire the creature's tenacity. It's as if it's saying, "This is my spot, and I'm going to work here no matter what!" Reminds me of people who live on the Florida coastline and shake their fists and rebuild after every hurricane.
I've been looking out my living room window and watching with fascination as a spider appears to crawl through thin air. It is rebuilding a web that I have torn down more than once due to its proximity to my front door. It's been demolished one or two other times by other means. I can't help but admire the creature's tenacity. It's as if it's saying, "This is my spot, and I'm going to work here no matter what!" Reminds me of people who live on the Florida coastline and shake their fists and rebuild after every hurricane.
"We are often surprised when God begins to deliberately subject us to His disciplined training. What surprises us is not that God wants us to be trained, but that the training is so hard. Anyone who follows God for any length of time quickly learns that the Holy Spirit is relentless. He is a master of turning every circumstance, however major or minor, into a training session. Our world becomes God's training gym, and every situation is an opportunity for God to teach us. God's goal is not to wear us out, but to prepare us for the future. At first, the tests God brings may seem difficult, but they are only small tastes of the greater tests you will face in the future."
~ Michael Warden, Alone with God
I am so tired today. I forced myself to stay up until 11:00 last night, but once again I had a hard time getting to sleep. And then I overslept, and I've been dragging all morning.
I guess I can't complain, though. My coworker is home with a kidney stone, poor guy. :( I'm sure this one more problem is not helping his frame of mind at all. Thank You, Lord, that my problems are small and insignificant. Whenever they seem to overwhelm me, I am reminded once more of just how blessed I am. All the little things that bug me are nothing compared to all the good things You've given me.
I just wish ... ah, but it does no good to moan and whine. Turn your longings and yearnings over to Christ! He is your every satisfaction. His plan for you is perfect, and you are complete in Him alone. Meanwhile, just be faithful and trust His leading and His care. You may not have the earthly love you desire, but nothing can separate you from His love.
Church tonight was pretty good. I didn't play as well as I wanted to, but I didn't fall apart, either. Tempo was a problem, but I imagine that will improve with time. I was nervous & shaky as anything; hopefully that too will improve with time. The business meeting went fast enough to have time for prayer, which was a real relief. It was decided to keep doing the Sunday morning fellowships. And I'm still teaching Sunday school. *sigh* I know I could say no when the superintendent asks, but I don't think anyone else wants the job. I need to have a better attitude about it and be more faithful in preparing. I have the class for a reason, even though I have no clue what that reason is.
Tomorrow night is Ladies' Bible Study. Yay! I really missed it last month. But the lesson is on fear, and ... I just don't think of myself as particularly fearful. Frankly, I think I'm usually too bold for my own good. But any discussion of God's Word is bound to be a blessing, and I could surely use the fellowship and encouragement.
I guess I can't complain, though. My coworker is home with a kidney stone, poor guy. :( I'm sure this one more problem is not helping his frame of mind at all. Thank You, Lord, that my problems are small and insignificant. Whenever they seem to overwhelm me, I am reminded once more of just how blessed I am. All the little things that bug me are nothing compared to all the good things You've given me.
I just wish ... ah, but it does no good to moan and whine. Turn your longings and yearnings over to Christ! He is your every satisfaction. His plan for you is perfect, and you are complete in Him alone. Meanwhile, just be faithful and trust His leading and His care. You may not have the earthly love you desire, but nothing can separate you from His love.
Church tonight was pretty good. I didn't play as well as I wanted to, but I didn't fall apart, either. Tempo was a problem, but I imagine that will improve with time. I was nervous & shaky as anything; hopefully that too will improve with time. The business meeting went fast enough to have time for prayer, which was a real relief. It was decided to keep doing the Sunday morning fellowships. And I'm still teaching Sunday school. *sigh* I know I could say no when the superintendent asks, but I don't think anyone else wants the job. I need to have a better attitude about it and be more faithful in preparing. I have the class for a reason, even though I have no clue what that reason is.
Tomorrow night is Ladies' Bible Study. Yay! I really missed it last month. But the lesson is on fear, and ... I just don't think of myself as particularly fearful. Frankly, I think I'm usually too bold for my own good. But any discussion of God's Word is bound to be a blessing, and I could surely use the fellowship and encouragement.
I've done pretty well for a Monday, but I still need a serious attitude adjustment. Why is it so hard to be joyful here? Why can I not seem to keep my emotions in check and just be faithful anyway? Why can't I rejoice as much in the week's service as I do in the weekend's worship?! :-(
There is also failure and confession. It has been a bad, bad day, and I wish I could just start over. I hate having to ask forgiveness for the same failures over and over. But that is pride, the thought that surely I must be beyond this failing by now. But no. I am fallen and sinful, and I fail when I take my focus off my Savior and try to depend on my own strength. Romans 7 and 8 are so rich, and it is so comforting to know that even Paul struggled with sin in his life.
Lord, I am so sorry. I fell again. Please cleanse my heart and renew it for fellowship with and joy in You once more. Break me and humble me; make me hate the sin of my heart that is so abhorrent to You.
Oh Father, I am so lonely. If it weren't for You, I would be a complete and utter wreck. How I long for a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be accountable to. I want someone who would encourage me, and for whom I could provide unconditional love, support, and encouragement!
But Lord, I want Your will and plan for me more than I want a husband. I want to be faithful and useful in Your service. And Lord, if that means I never have an earthly love, help me to mean it when I say that's okay. My heart may ache, but You are the ultimate Healer of hearts. Enable me to rest content in Your love alone. Wrap Your arms around me and remind me of that love when I get so desperately lonely.
Lord, I am so sorry. I fell again. Please cleanse my heart and renew it for fellowship with and joy in You once more. Break me and humble me; make me hate the sin of my heart that is so abhorrent to You.
Oh Father, I am so lonely. If it weren't for You, I would be a complete and utter wreck. How I long for a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be accountable to. I want someone who would encourage me, and for whom I could provide unconditional love, support, and encouragement!
But Lord, I want Your will and plan for me more than I want a husband. I want to be faithful and useful in Your service. And Lord, if that means I never have an earthly love, help me to mean it when I say that's okay. My heart may ache, but You are the ultimate Healer of hearts. Enable me to rest content in Your love alone. Wrap Your arms around me and remind me of that love when I get so desperately lonely.
My coworker and I had a good talk this morning about his challenge last night at prayer meeting. People are so bad about not thinking about what they are thinking about. It sounds funny when you put it that way, but it's really true, especially among Christians. It's one of the reasons I think people are afraid to witness - because they haven't truly reasoned out and thought through why they believe what they do, they're afraid they won't have the right answers for someone who has thought out their own world view. Christians want to stay spiritual babies because at that level, the formula is simple: sin, repent, confess, be forgiven, repeat.
But actual progress toward sanctification takes work. It's more than being faithful in church and trying not to be naughty the rest of the week! It's about allowing God's Word and the work of the Holy Spirit to completely rule every part of your life and to transform you bit by bit into the image of Christ. It means continually re-evaluating your attitudes and actions in light of Scripture. It means constantly carving away the parts of you that the Holy Spirit brings to your attention that displease the Savior because they are selfish, or carnal, or taking part of your time, energy, or talents that He wants for Himself. There is SO MUCH MORE than showing up for sermons, reading your daily chapter, and saying your prayers!
But actual progress toward sanctification takes work. It's more than being faithful in church and trying not to be naughty the rest of the week! It's about allowing God's Word and the work of the Holy Spirit to completely rule every part of your life and to transform you bit by bit into the image of Christ. It means continually re-evaluating your attitudes and actions in light of Scripture. It means constantly carving away the parts of you that the Holy Spirit brings to your attention that displease the Savior because they are selfish, or carnal, or taking part of your time, energy, or talents that He wants for Himself. There is SO MUCH MORE than showing up for sermons, reading your daily chapter, and saying your prayers!
Everything I can think of to write sounds like whining in my head. When I have so many reasons to rejoice and be thankful, whining in my journal strikes me as unacceptable behavior. Yes, I am sick of my job. And yes, I am incredibly lonely these days. But my Father has blessed me so abundantly by granting me areas of service, like leading the Young Ladies’ Bible Study, or playing the piano on Wednesdays, or singing in the choir… There are just so many opportunities to give back to my Lord that surround me daily. And I can perform these tasks with joy in my God, because He is steadfast and sure. He never changes, and therefore all His promises, which are based upon His unchanging character, are trustworthy and available for me to cling to.
Lord, You know how I yearn for a husband. Give me grace to be content for Your timing, even if that timing is “never.” I can have no greater joy anywhere that is not Your will for me. You know how discouraged I am by my job, and how my own lack of diligence bothers me, because I know it doesn’t please You. Teach me how to keep You in the forefront of my thoughts and intentions all day long. Motivate me to please You in my performance, my words, my attitudes, my priorities. Break my heart when I waste the time You’ve given me to use for You. Enable me to surrender my compulsion to please myself completely to Your control.
Lord, You know how I yearn for a husband. Give me grace to be content for Your timing, even if that timing is “never.” I can have no greater joy anywhere that is not Your will for me. You know how discouraged I am by my job, and how my own lack of diligence bothers me, because I know it doesn’t please You. Teach me how to keep You in the forefront of my thoughts and intentions all day long. Motivate me to please You in my performance, my words, my attitudes, my priorities. Break my heart when I waste the time You’ve given me to use for You. Enable me to surrender my compulsion to please myself completely to Your control.
This morning I was wide awake at 5:30, and I just lay there until I went back to sleep. I wish I had pushed myself out of bed then, because I was late to work … again. I should take advantage of those times when I actually wake up early and coherent. I could get the day started more cheerfully.
Today was a relatively un-stressful day, but I still fail so miserably in diligence and in faithfulness. Lord, what will it take to motivate me to get out of bed and to work on time? I am being sinful and contemptuous of Your sacrifice for me every time I roll over and hit the snooze button instead of getting up when I should. Lord, break my heart over this fleshly failing of mine. Give me Your grace and strength to begin each day joyful and grateful for another day of fellowship with and service to You. And enable me to be diligent to use my time wisely. I could accomplish so much more if I didn’t waste so much time. “Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through Your law.” “Oh, that my ways were steadfast in keeping Your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all Your commands.” Help me to rejoice in following Your statutes and to meditate on Your law all day long!
“If to the right or left I stray,
That moment, Lord, reprove;
And let me weep my life away,
For having grieved thy love.”
~CHS
“If to the right or left I stray,
That moment, Lord, reprove;
And let me weep my life away,
For having grieved thy love.”
~CHS
“Cheerful holiness is the most forcible of sermons, but the Lord must give it you. … When it is the Lord’s work in which we rejoice, we need not be afraid of being too glad.” ~CHS
Today has been a little bit better. Sometimes I think it takes circumstances that push you to the brink in order to kind of “reset” your stress levels and put things back in perspective for a while. After having my little cry last night, I feel more able to face things with some measure of sanity.
I went to church after work to practice on the piano there, because I knew I wouldn’t be in anyone’s way tonight. Pastor & his wife left early this morning to take their son to college this weekend, so everything was deserted. That piano is so hard to play! It takes a lot of muscle to work the keys, which makes my barely-adequate skills that much worse. I hope I’ve done the right thing, starting now. I hope it’s not too soon, but I’ve got to start sometime. With one pianist moved away and our other pianist starting up teaching school again, it just seemed natural that now is the time. It’s going to be hard and slow, though. How grateful I am for a church family I can trust to be supportive. I don’t have to worry about anyone talking me down behind my back. That’s an enormous comfort when starting something like this, especially when I have so far yet to go.
I went to church after work to practice on the piano there, because I knew I wouldn’t be in anyone’s way tonight. Pastor & his wife left early this morning to take their son to college this weekend, so everything was deserted. That piano is so hard to play! It takes a lot of muscle to work the keys, which makes my barely-adequate skills that much worse. I hope I’ve done the right thing, starting now. I hope it’s not too soon, but I’ve got to start sometime. With one pianist moved away and our other pianist starting up teaching school again, it just seemed natural that now is the time. It’s going to be hard and slow, though. How grateful I am for a church family I can trust to be supportive. I don’t have to worry about anyone talking me down behind my back. That’s an enormous comfort when starting something like this, especially when I have so far yet to go.
I'm beginning to notice something about myself and how I react to my situation. I do a lot better dealing with discouragement or loneliness when no one else notices or tries to lift my spirits or encourage me. The Lord really is sufficient to my every need, and when others, well-meaning as they may be, try to “make me feel better,” often that just seems to draw my attention back to the hurt and make me dwell on it more as I think about what they said. Not that I don’t appreciate the concern, especially from someone like the elderly ladies at church, who are so dear and can be so loving and kind to me. But I do much better when I focus on Christ instead of on myself. It’s easier to dispel the discouragement when others don’t point out all the reason to be discouraged that you would have no trouble finding on your own. “I know you must get so lonely.” “Well, only once in a while, but thanks so much for reminding me.” ;-)
And speaking of lonely, it’s one of those achy days when I just want someone to talk to – someone intelligent and caring. And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way, for not being content with what God has given me. It’s not as though I’m ungrateful. That’s not it at all. There are just times when the silence seems so loud and overwhelming that it’s painful.
“Remember, it’s always all right to be honest with God and admit your longings. It’s even all right to tell Him how you intend to honor Him if He gives it. But you must also tell Him you love Him and will serve Him even if He sees fit to withhold this blessing. That’s the hard part.” ~PWD, in an email to me on Hannah
I admit it. There are times when I feel empty and completely left out of God’s program for family. Even though I really do ultimately want His will and what’s best for me … oh, how I long for a husband to share the burdens and joys of the Christian walk with. How I wish for the opportunity to have children to raise to love Christ as much as I do. I know there are all sorts of ways God can and does use me just the way I am. And I certainly don’t want to live in the land of self-pity, because there is nothing useful or Christ-honoring there.
Lord, take this longing of my heart and transform it into love and desire for You and Your Word. Give me grace to overcome when the sorrow and weight threaten to overwhelm me. You have promised never to leave or forsake me. You have promised to strengthen and uphold me, to be my Comforter. Fill my heart so completely with You that there is no room for anything more.
And speaking of lonely, it’s one of those achy days when I just want someone to talk to – someone intelligent and caring. And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way, for not being content with what God has given me. It’s not as though I’m ungrateful. That’s not it at all. There are just times when the silence seems so loud and overwhelming that it’s painful.
“Remember, it’s always all right to be honest with God and admit your longings. It’s even all right to tell Him how you intend to honor Him if He gives it. But you must also tell Him you love Him and will serve Him even if He sees fit to withhold this blessing. That’s the hard part.” ~PWD, in an email to me on Hannah
I admit it. There are times when I feel empty and completely left out of God’s program for family. Even though I really do ultimately want His will and what’s best for me … oh, how I long for a husband to share the burdens and joys of the Christian walk with. How I wish for the opportunity to have children to raise to love Christ as much as I do. I know there are all sorts of ways God can and does use me just the way I am. And I certainly don’t want to live in the land of self-pity, because there is nothing useful or Christ-honoring there.
Lord, take this longing of my heart and transform it into love and desire for You and Your Word. Give me grace to overcome when the sorrow and weight threaten to overwhelm me. You have promised never to leave or forsake me. You have promised to strengthen and uphold me, to be my Comforter. Fill my heart so completely with You that there is no room for anything more.
And I come to the final page in my current journal. It represents a little over four years of my life, although most of it covers only the last ten months or so. It's kind of amazing to contemplate. So many changes in my life! So many lessons God has taught me. It's hard for me to believe I'm already approaching 30, and yet sometimes I can't believe I'm still so young. Time does seem to fly these days, though. There is so much yet to do, and so much to learn.
It's lunchtime, so I'm soaking up a few moments of warm humidity before venturing back inside. After yesterday's turmoil, it's a blessing to enjoy a moment of peace and rest.
I have grown to love Wednesday evening services so much. Every week I look forward to them with such joyful anticipation. Tonight I prayed with one of the elderly ladies in my church. What a dear, precious woman she is. Listening to her talk to the Lord was just so encouraging to me, such a blessing. And she's so determined to encourage me. She didn't get married until she was 34, so she knows and understands that I get discouraged and lonely. She is always saying something uplifting to build me up, and I know she prays faithfully for me. What a gracious gift! She is so kind, such a sweet, godly example. Thank You, Lord, for her influence in my life.
Had a long talk with my coworker about church today, which was good. I do wish our congregation were bigger and had more young people. But more than that, I wish the ones we have would get excited about God's work in their lives. Where is the joy in our salvation? How I long for my church family to overflow with zeal for God's Word and to have a hunger to grow and to be used. I have to think that if only that were to change, the other so-called "problems" would attend to themselves. And the only thing I know to do about it is to pray earnestly and to be an example in my own Christian walk. I know I can't do anything to change people, but I can do what I should do and leave the rest in the Lord's hands. He is faithful!
It's lunchtime, so I'm soaking up a few moments of warm humidity before venturing back inside. After yesterday's turmoil, it's a blessing to enjoy a moment of peace and rest.
I have grown to love Wednesday evening services so much. Every week I look forward to them with such joyful anticipation. Tonight I prayed with one of the elderly ladies in my church. What a dear, precious woman she is. Listening to her talk to the Lord was just so encouraging to me, such a blessing. And she's so determined to encourage me. She didn't get married until she was 34, so she knows and understands that I get discouraged and lonely. She is always saying something uplifting to build me up, and I know she prays faithfully for me. What a gracious gift! She is so kind, such a sweet, godly example. Thank You, Lord, for her influence in my life.
Had a long talk with my coworker about church today, which was good. I do wish our congregation were bigger and had more young people. But more than that, I wish the ones we have would get excited about God's work in their lives. Where is the joy in our salvation? How I long for my church family to overflow with zeal for God's Word and to have a hunger to grow and to be used. I have to think that if only that were to change, the other so-called "problems" would attend to themselves. And the only thing I know to do about it is to pray earnestly and to be an example in my own Christian walk. I know I can't do anything to change people, but I can do what I should do and leave the rest in the Lord's hands. He is faithful!
It's late now, but I so want to get down the rest of my day. Work was bad, and I'm sure my emotional state didn't help matters any. I tried 2 or 3 times to call Pastor, but there was no answer at church. The last time I gave up and decided I was meant to handle tonight completely on my own, depending solely on the Lord. But still, I couldn't help feeling a little hurt that Pastor hadn't responded, even though I was sure there was a good reason. Between my frustration with work and the stress of two days of unfulfilled anticipation, I was an emotional wreck by the time I got home. I allotted myself 30 minutes to lie down because I knew I had stuff I needed to do before the study, but I was so strung out that I needed to rest and calm down a bit.
Then, about 5 minutes before my time was up, the phone rang. It was one of the girls, and she couldn't come because her husband had to work. No problem, though of course I'm always sad when someone can't come.
About 6:00 the phone rang again, and this time it was Pastor. His email to me had gone astray this morning, and he'd been out of town all day with his son car shopping, so he hadn't realized it until just then. He apologized all over himself; I was so relieved and grateful to know why he hadn't answered me that the answer itself almost didn't matter anymore. But it did, and when I read it, it really did help to put Hannah's prayer in a little clearer perspective for me. Frankly, a lot of it got better last night too. It's funny how in some ways my journey to understand her prayer mirrored her journey to making the prayer. God had to put both of us in the position of relying completely on Him and having nowhere else to turn before granting our requests.
After all that, I only had one person come to study tonight. But that was okay, and even good, because it gave us a chance to really share one-on-one. She seemed to genuinely enjoy being here and didn't seem awkward or uncomfortable about being the only one. The Lord is so gracious to me. I cannot comprehend such love that is willing to work so intricately in my life in order to sanctify me. I am so unworthy of such great love. Lord, You truly are my rock, my fortress, my strength, my song, my deliverer, my friend, my Father, my comforter.
Then, about 5 minutes before my time was up, the phone rang. It was one of the girls, and she couldn't come because her husband had to work. No problem, though of course I'm always sad when someone can't come.
About 6:00 the phone rang again, and this time it was Pastor. His email to me had gone astray this morning, and he'd been out of town all day with his son car shopping, so he hadn't realized it until just then. He apologized all over himself; I was so relieved and grateful to know why he hadn't answered me that the answer itself almost didn't matter anymore. But it did, and when I read it, it really did help to put Hannah's prayer in a little clearer perspective for me. Frankly, a lot of it got better last night too. It's funny how in some ways my journey to understand her prayer mirrored her journey to making the prayer. God had to put both of us in the position of relying completely on Him and having nowhere else to turn before granting our requests.
After all that, I only had one person come to study tonight. But that was okay, and even good, because it gave us a chance to really share one-on-one. She seemed to genuinely enjoy being here and didn't seem awkward or uncomfortable about being the only one. The Lord is so gracious to me. I cannot comprehend such love that is willing to work so intricately in my life in order to sanctify me. I am so unworthy of such great love. Lord, You truly are my rock, my fortress, my strength, my song, my deliverer, my friend, my Father, my comforter.
I get so wound up over these things. I think it's because there's so little else in my life to invest myself in emotionally. I'm torn over whether to call Pastor or not. I DO need to talk to him about something else, but that doesn't have to necessarily happen today. He obviously didn't realize that it was today's study I was struggling with. At least I seem to have found some semblance of purpose, even if I'm still confused by the whole mess.
And if that weren't enough to make me nervous, I'm thinking of asking to start playing piano on Wednesdays. I don't really think I'm good enough, but the only way I know to overcome the obstacle of correcting my mistakes is to actually accompany an audience. I just hate the prospect of falling apart in the middle while everyone stares and sings on without me. But our pianist needs help, and I'm willing to at least try to be that help. I just wish I were better at it.
And if that weren't enough to make me nervous, I'm thinking of asking to start playing piano on Wednesdays. I don't really think I'm good enough, but the only way I know to overcome the obstacle of correcting my mistakes is to actually accompany an audience. I just hate the prospect of falling apart in the middle while everyone stares and sings on without me. But our pianist needs help, and I'm willing to at least try to be that help. I just wish I were better at it.
It's evening, and now I'm really nervous about the study tomorrow. I haven't heard from Pastor at all today. I guess it's my own fault for not being further ahead with it, so that I could have asked him sooner. It's been such an overwhelming summer for their family. And I shouldn't rely on him so much anyway. Lord, I don't know what to do with the lesson tomorrow. Maybe You want me to do the lesson with confusion and frustration. Maybe I need to be vulnerable before these young women, to be bare-faced and open about how this story confounds me. Lord, I guess I should have prayed more and pondered more. Please, Lord, do not let this study fall apart because of my inadequacy. Forgive me for not being more diligent, for not spending more time in the Word and in prayer. Lord, empty me of my notions on the account and give me Your leading on what it means for me today. If there's a dimension I'm missing, please reveal it to me. I am so lost and confused. I don't want to teach this lesson in any wrong or negative way. I don't want to fail these girls -- or You. Please, Lord, work in my heart. Grant me wisdom and discernment. I can do nothing apart from Your grace and mercy. I am so feeble, yet so prideful. But there is nothing good in me. Almighty God, You are my strength; You have promised to strengthen, help, and uphold me with Your righteousness. Your promises are steadfast; they cannot fail. "Do good to your servant, O LORD, according to Your word." Oh Lord, help me!
Last night I told Pastor I had a Hannah question I wanted to ask him, so he told me to email it to him so he could take the time to give me a thorough answer. I kind of feel guilty bothering him with it. They're taking their son to college at the end of this week, and I know they're really busy. But hey, maybe he'll enjoy the chance to study something other than Ephesians, Acts, or Revelation. Anyway, now I wait with bated breath, hoping he won't think I'm awful for my questions. But he's a questioner himself, which is why I think I find it so easy to ask him things.
I'm worried about a friend of mine who wasn't in church last Sunday. It's hard to believe sometimes just how much heartache hides in some people's daily lives. As a Christian family, we are far too uninvolved with each other, I think. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to reach out and be available to each other. We're all these polite strangers with no concept of the pain and struggles each one is going through. I whine about lack of fellowship, but whom have I reached a hand to? We're all waiting for someone else to make the selfless gesture, to be the one who encourages us.
I'm worried about a friend of mine who wasn't in church last Sunday. It's hard to believe sometimes just how much heartache hides in some people's daily lives. As a Christian family, we are far too uninvolved with each other, I think. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to reach out and be available to each other. We're all these polite strangers with no concept of the pain and struggles each one is going through. I whine about lack of fellowship, but whom have I reached a hand to? We're all waiting for someone else to make the selfless gesture, to be the one who encourages us.
It's a rainy Sunday afternoon. It's perfect nap weather, but I'm not really sleepy. I've been playing piano, but the light is fading, and I don't want to bother with a lamp.
What a good, steady rain. I'm sure all the farmers are rejoicing. It's been nice to have a summer with plenty of rainfall for a change. A little inconvenient on a Sunday, but I guess we're spoiled. At least we have good shelter, and cars and umbrellas. It's so amazing how nature all works together in its cycles. How can anyone look at the world around us and believe it all just "happened"? The idea is so logically preposterous. Lord, Your ways are so perfect. I'm overwhelmed with awe of You. You made such a magnificent world for us to inhabit and enjoy. Forgive me for how often I take it for granted. Thank You for the reminder of Your power in the thunder and lightning, and of Your care and provision in the rain. Thank You for the blessing of sight, that I can sit at my window and watch the water overrun my gutters and pour down the street, that I can admire the spring green grass, the deeper green trees, and the smoky gray sky. Thank You for my hearing, that I can hear the puddles growing in the flower bed, the steady drum of rain on the tin chimney cover, the deeper thrum on the roof, the swish of wet traffic. Thank You for the rich, damp smell and feel that is the land's rejoicing in its refreshment. There are such bountiful gifts in Your creation. My words pale in comparison to the wonders with which You surround me each day. Never let me lose my appreciation of and joy in the simple things that fill my day with Your blessing.
What a good, steady rain. I'm sure all the farmers are rejoicing. It's been nice to have a summer with plenty of rainfall for a change. A little inconvenient on a Sunday, but I guess we're spoiled. At least we have good shelter, and cars and umbrellas. It's so amazing how nature all works together in its cycles. How can anyone look at the world around us and believe it all just "happened"? The idea is so logically preposterous. Lord, Your ways are so perfect. I'm overwhelmed with awe of You. You made such a magnificent world for us to inhabit and enjoy. Forgive me for how often I take it for granted. Thank You for the reminder of Your power in the thunder and lightning, and of Your care and provision in the rain. Thank You for the blessing of sight, that I can sit at my window and watch the water overrun my gutters and pour down the street, that I can admire the spring green grass, the deeper green trees, and the smoky gray sky. Thank You for my hearing, that I can hear the puddles growing in the flower bed, the steady drum of rain on the tin chimney cover, the deeper thrum on the roof, the swish of wet traffic. Thank You for the rich, damp smell and feel that is the land's rejoicing in its refreshment. There are such bountiful gifts in Your creation. My words pale in comparison to the wonders with which You surround me each day. Never let me lose my appreciation of and joy in the simple things that fill my day with Your blessing.
Oh, how I love Saturdays. I love the freedom to do the things I need to do, that I feel are important -- not the boss or the job. I'm doing laundry, I've practiced the piano, and now I'm having some devotions time. What a joy! I feel like I've wasted so much time over the last couple weeks; I need some quiet time with my Savior. It's been hard the last several nights becuase my back & leg have been hurting. Being able to do my devotions earlier today is helping, I think.
Okay, I'm digging through the first Hannah lesson now, and I'm stuck on her prayer. Am I supposed to take her "if/then" approach as a pattern for how I should bring my desires before God? "If You give me this, then I will do that with it for Your glory"? Is this a special case, or an example for me to follow? To me it smacks of foxhole prayer, of bargaining with God, trying to get Him to give me what I want. But I don't necessarily see where making a promise to God is unscriptural; vowing a vow to God is treated as a serious thing. But a conditional vow? He makes conditional promises; is that something we ought to do with Him? *sigh* I'm dying to ask Pastor for some insights, but I don't know if I should. I think I'll wait and see if an opportunity presents itself tomorrow at church and just mull over the question myself in the meantime.
What a nice day it has been. Aside from a lapse into TV late this afternoon (why DO I do that?), I've gotten a lot done and had a lovely alone day. I wouldn't have minded some fellowship, but alone was okay too, I guess. No, I KNOW it was good. It gave me real time to spend studying God's Word, not to mention practicing the piano and doing housework. And tomorrow is Sunday - my favorite! Which means, now that the last load of laundry is done, I should go to bed so I can get up on time in the morning!
Okay, I'm digging through the first Hannah lesson now, and I'm stuck on her prayer. Am I supposed to take her "if/then" approach as a pattern for how I should bring my desires before God? "If You give me this, then I will do that with it for Your glory"? Is this a special case, or an example for me to follow? To me it smacks of foxhole prayer, of bargaining with God, trying to get Him to give me what I want. But I don't necessarily see where making a promise to God is unscriptural; vowing a vow to God is treated as a serious thing. But a conditional vow? He makes conditional promises; is that something we ought to do with Him? *sigh* I'm dying to ask Pastor for some insights, but I don't know if I should. I think I'll wait and see if an opportunity presents itself tomorrow at church and just mull over the question myself in the meantime.
What a nice day it has been. Aside from a lapse into TV late this afternoon (why DO I do that?), I've gotten a lot done and had a lovely alone day. I wouldn't have minded some fellowship, but alone was okay too, I guess. No, I KNOW it was good. It gave me real time to spend studying God's Word, not to mention practicing the piano and doing housework. And tomorrow is Sunday - my favorite! Which means, now that the last load of laundry is done, I should go to bed so I can get up on time in the morning!
Lord, please keep me joyful. There are so many reasons for me to rejoice; keep those things uppermost in my heart and mind. Thank You that I can always rejoice in You, because You never change. Your grace is sufficient for my every need. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Help me to acknowledge my weaknesses and to surrender them to You to perfect. You are my refuge and my strength; I put my trust in You and You alone. Break me. Humble me. Enable me to pursue Your purposes for my life. Content me in circumstances that drive me crazy and threaten to mar my testimony. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees.
Lord, please change my attitude. It is so hard for me to be consistently joyful in the face of frustrating circumstances. I need to be more diligent, more compassionate and understanding. I shouldn't respond with such a bitter spirit when someone brings up their loved one's engagement ... again. Lord, You truly are all I need, but I confess, I want a companion. Teach me to be content with what You've given me and not to dwell on the aches when they come. Hide and shelter me under Your wings. Oh Lord, help me to truly rejoice in You, always, even when I'm lonely and frustrated.
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides You." Oh, make this a truth in my life!
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides You." Oh, make this a truth in my life!
Tonight I am weary and heart-sore. I am longing for the comfort of physical contact - read, I need a hug. I feel guilty for being sad when others around me have problems and burdens so much more profound than my own. But I am just aching for a good cry. The last four lessons in the Bible study are about Hannah, and I have no idea what to do with them. Lord, help!
Lunchtime at work, and I'm in my car enjoying the slightly-warm sun and the slightly-cool breeze. I have been so neglectful of my devotions and prayer life lately. It is so easy to get caught up once more in sci-fi and internet fandoms, not to mention turning on the TV and letting a DVD run all evening. Lord, break my heart over my preoccupation with vanity. Help me to use my time more wisely in ways that have eternal value. I know that when I behave this way my resistance to temptation is weakened. My flesh only wins when I allow it to by not turning to my Savior for refuge and support.
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